


Loving's in the Patience

by katyapetrovnas



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: (please don't because i too am i broke student), 10/10 recommend any song i reference here tbh, Alternate Universe - College/University, Because who doesn't love those?, But it'll be good I promise, College AU, College Student, F/F, Internalized Homophobia, Slow Burn, a college au because i'm predictable & basic, all of the chapter titles are gonna be song titles/song lyrics, because i LOVE MUSIC, because who doesn't love a cute couple height difference, but of course she is, i'm not from NYC so call me out if i make dumb mistakes about the city or whatever, katya's a lil rough & tumble, katya's short as fuck, more characters tba as it continues, probably super slow burn, soft lesbians, some depressing background stories, sue me, they're also cis lesbians (psa), trixie is a cute small-town farmgirl and i live for it, trixya - Freeform, yes the title is from red side of the moon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 07:22:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 22,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15769320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katyapetrovnas/pseuds/katyapetrovnas
Summary: Trixie, a bright, bubbly, optimist from a small, Wisconsin farm town decides to take her small town self to the big city. 18 years old, a broke music student, having no idea how the subway, or life in NYC works at all, for that matter, she’s having a tougher time than she’d expected.Katya’s spent her whole life in the city. Usually, on its streets. Foster home, to homeless shelter, to juvy, and back again. Somehow, she got herself to college. Thank you, scholarship. Now studying Russian history, she’d be the type you’d expect to want absolutely nothing to do with the walking Barbie doll who lived in the dorm down the hall.But, sometimes, the unexpected is just what two people need to make their lives make sense.





	1. There's a New Beginning (And It's Going to be Alright)

“I’m fine, mom! I promise... Yeah, just got in. The place is perfect. It’s gonna be SO CUTE. Yes, I’ll send you pictures. Yes, I’ll call you tonight… Okay, okay, I will. Love you. Bye!!”  
Trixie tossed her phone down onto the yet-to-be-made dorm room bed, sighing, her hands on her hips as her eyes scanned the room. Okay, so maybe it wasn’t perfect. Maybe the paint was chipping and the floor was creaking, and the electricity needed more than just a little bit of fixing. But, it was a fixer-upper. And it was going to be a damn cute one. Interior decorating was just one of the many talents Trixie Mattel prided herself on, maybe a little too much.  
She glanced at the boxes and boxes of her belongings still stacked up by the door, her sticker-covered pink guitar case propped up against them. Sighing, thinking about how long the unpacking and decorating process was going to take, she plugged her headphones in, cued up her “hometown hits” country playlist and set to work.  
\--  
The large, somewhat crumbling dorm building leered in front of the short blonde, who puffed the dark clouds of nicotine smoke out into the bright afternoon sky. A small backpack hung from one shoulder, holding everything she’d brought. In all honesty, it was everything she owned. Her 18th birthday had finally come and gone, marking the end of her time in the foster system, and a strict warning that juvy wasn’t the worst thing that could happen to her anymore. The day after her birthday, she’d cleared out of her latest “home” and never looked back.  
Applying for the scholarship had felt like the stupidest, most pointless thing she’d ever done. She’d regretted it immediately after she’d sent it. But, after a positive response a few weeks later, she suddenly regretted it a little bit less. Katya wasn’t consistent with most things, but pulling straight A’s throughout her time at high school was the one thing she could always be counted on for.  
She’d second guessed accepting the offer nearly a hundred times, before, finally, she made up her mind. She’d go. If she hated it, she’d just drop out. Plus, the scholarship boasted not only coverage for classes, but also free residence. And she wasn’t about to let the chance for a free roof over her head go.  
But, now as she stood on the sidewalk, she was having second thoughts, once again. She looked around her, noticing all the bright, smiling faces, all of the happy families hugging, parents helping their kids unload their things, tears and smiles, both, on their faces. Katya didn’t usually get jealous. But, things like this tended to be the exception.  
Swallowing back the small amount of pride she had left, not letting the anxieties screaming in her head turn her away from the one shot she might get in life, she snuffed out her cigarette and stepped inside, trying to ignore the nervous glances parents shot at her dirty clothes and couldn’t-care-less attitude. She was going to make the most of this. She owed herself, at least, that.  
\--  
Trixie flopped down on the bed, her blonde curls falling over her face as she half-heartedly blew them off. The room was finally finished, a number of pictures already sent to her mom. Pink seemed to be the recurring theme. Pink bedding, a pink lamp, pink decorations topping nearly every surface in sight. A bulletin board sat above her bed, filled with tickets from the too-many country concerts she’d been to. A smiling Dolly Parton photo was placed in the middle of it, her signature gracing the bottom, Trixie’s own name in the message that followed. It was, by far, her most prized possession.  
She stood up, pulling the curtains aside as she glanced outside, watching as the last of the parents’ cars finally finished pulling away, and decided that now was as good a time as any to start introductions. She’d heard countless stories of people meeting their closest, life-long friends in college, and she was determined to make a similar story of her own. She quickly stepped into a pair of well-loved Birkenstock sandals, shoving her old-style, flip phone into her pocket, before heading into the hall.  
Nearly every room’s door was propped open, and she entered each with a quick knock on the door and a bright smile. She struck up excited conversations with almost every girl in building, topics of conversation ranging everything from music taste to class schedules to the best coffee places in the neighbourhood.  
Trixie exited the last room in the hall, inhabited by an excitable, yet somewhat cheerleader-type, girl named Courtney, and her roommate, a skinny girl named Adore, who’d been blasting some sort of grunge music before she’d entered. Her entrance, and the immediate silencing of the music had prompted a silently mouthed “thank you” from Courtney. Trixie headed down the hall, towards her own room, before stopping in front of her next-door-neighbour’s door. It had been closed when she’d first passed by, so she’d decided to come back later, hoping for a warmer welcome. However, the door was still firmly shut, and her knock on the door prompted a heavy sigh from the inside of the room.  
“Coming.” Grumbled a tired-sounding voice, before the door opened, revealing a short, angry looking girl standing just on the inside.  
Trixie was somewhat taken aback. Despite her small stature, the girl had an attitude and a resting bitch face that would rival even the tallest and most confident-looking of girls. She looked up at Trixie, disinterest painted on her face, which also boasted smudgy eye makeup and bright, popping, red lipstick.  
“Hey. Can I help you?” She asked, shoving her hands in her pockets, looking all too confrontational for Trixie’s liking.  
“Oh… Uh, no. No, I’m good. I just thought I’d introduce myself to everyone. Make a good first impression, right? I’m Trixie. Trixie Mattel. Music studies. I’m in the room next door.” She said, her voice excited and bright, despite the lack of excitement displayed by the other girl.  
“Sure. Whatever. I’m Yekaterina. Petrovna. Zamolodchikova. But don’t ever, ever call me that. You probably couldn’t if you tried. Fucking homeland-loving parents. Call me Katya. Russian history.” The smaller girl, who Trixie could now, apparently, call Katya, huffed, leaning against the doorframe.  
Trixie gave her a smile, hoping that maybe some of her positivity would rub off on her, as she glanced into the room behind her. The walls were bare; no decorations, no family photos, nothing. In fact, the only thing she could see that hadn’t been there when the girl had moved in was the bed sheets, ratty and clearly pretty old.  
“Well, I’m right next door if you ever need anything. I specialize in corny jokes, country music recommendations, and the best frickin’ pancakes you’ve ever tasted. Just give me a holler.” She offered, still beaming at the other girl, despite the fact that a blank stare still looked back at her.  
“I’ll keep that in mind, Trix. See you around.” Katya grumbled, closing the door, as Trixie stepped back awkwardly. And for some strange reason, she could suddenly feel butterflies fluttering in her stomach at the use of the new nickname.  
Nervousness, she told herself.  
Excitement.  
That’s all.  
She took a deep breath, and turned back to her own dorm, with a face that now displayed an even brighter smile than it had just minutes before. And despite her insistence, Trixie knew, deep down, exactly why that was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there!!! thanks for the read!!! this chapter is pretty short, but i sorta just wanted to get the ball rolling here. i've got tons of ideas for this story & i'm super pumped to share it with you!! i'll try to update as often as possible, but i do start school pretty soon (1st year @ uni, YIKES), so that might get in the way sometimes. but, stay tuned, 'cuz it'll be here eventually.  
> p.s. you can find me on instagram @katyapetrovnas!!!!  
> p.p.s. the chapter title is from "New Beginning" by Noah!


	2. Your Voice is Soft, Like Summer Rain

Katya slammed the door shut, sighing heavily, mentally beating herself up over the interaction that had just occurred. Her people skills were absolute garbage. She knew that. She’d always wondered if that was why there were no constants in her life. Maybe she pushed them all away. Maybe it was all her fault. Maybe, if she’d been better, brighter, more right, maybe then her mom would’ve chosen her over...  
She quickly cut herself off. She shook her head aggressively, trying to clear the thoughts from her mind. Thinking like that never got her anywhere, except the bottom of a bottle and a bitch of a headache from crying.  
But, this girl was nice. She was just trying to make friends. Hell, she’d even offered to make her pancakes! Who the hell did that? Katya couldn’t remember a single time in her life when someone had been that genuinely kind to her. And a complete stranger at that. Maybe that was why it scared her so much. Maybe that was why she’d slammed the door right in that sweet, funny, pretty girl’s face.  
Wait….  
Pretty?  
Katya froze, squinting, wondering where the hell that thought had come from. What the hell did ‘pretty’ matter? She was just a girl. Just someone trying to be nice. And Katya was not going to let herself ruin that by getting weird about it.  
She’d just leave the poor girl alone.  
She wouldn’t ignore her, but she wasn’t exactly planning to go out of her way to chat her up, either.  
Her heart was beating, hard and fast, inside her chest, her whole being buzzing with a strange, nervous energy.  
“Well, anxiety’s a bitch,” she thought to herself.  
That was it.  
It had to be.  
\--  
Trixie, being, well, Trixie, had already made a number of friends. The group sat, cross-legged, some on Trixie’s bed, others on the fuzzy, pink throw rug next to it. The group included Courtney and Adore, who’d arrived for a visit not long after Trixie had left Katya’s room, and two other girls from down the hall, Alaska and Sharon, who Trixie quickly learned were girlfriends, and had been for some time. The group discussed frosh week excitement, programs, and classes, while Adore picked at her nail polish, Courtney scrolled through Instagram, and Alaska planted herself firmly on her girlfriend’s lap, as Sharon ran her fingers through her hair. Trixie could already tell they were going to be the over-the-top-PDA-couple on campus. But, honestly, she wasn’t going to complain. They were pretty damn cute. And the lack of shame in their sexualities and relationship was something she had to give them credit for. She had a feeling it was a bit easier here, for girls like them. Back home, Trixie had only ever met a handful of girls who weren’t into guys, and most ended up either being kicked out, or eventually leaving of their own accord.  
She supposed that was sort of what she was doing. Not that she’d ever admit that out loud. It wasn’t like a single other soul knew about it. As far as her mom knew, she’d had a crush on the high school quarterback back home. She’d assured Trixie that there would be plenty of new boys in the big city, and Trixie was sure of that. But, she’d also had a feeling that there would be lots of new, interesting girls, too. And that had already proven itself to be true.  
It wasn’t as if she expected her mother to not accept her. She knew she would. She just also knew that it would be easier not to share it, at least, not yet. Her mom may not care, but her small, conservative hometown would, and she didn’t want to ruin any chances she had of coming home for Christmas break.  
But, maybe here, things would be different. She tried to put a positive spin on it. Maybe there was a club she could join? Or was that a terrible idea? Trixie had no clue. It was all so new. But, looking at Sharon and Alaska gave her a little bit of hope that maybe, just maybe, things would be better here.  
“Oh my god, is that a guitar? Play us something!” Courtney exclaimed, suddenly snapping Trixie out of her thoughts.  
“Oh! Yeah! Yeah, it is. But you guys don’t want to hear me play. Unless anyone here loves Dolly Parton as much as I do, I doubt you’d be interested. It’s that, or horrible original songs that will never see the light of day. They’re bad. Like, so bad. Trust me, you don’t want to hear it.” She insisted. Trixie wasn’t self-conscious about most things, but her music was the one thing she protected like her only child. It was personal. Something she held in her heart, for her and only her. She mentally scolded herself for even bringing up her original work.  
“Originals? Okay, well now you have to play something for us. C’mon, you can’t leave us hanging like this, Trixie!” Alaska replied, excitedly, as the other girls nodded along.  
After a few minutes of arguing and convincing, Trixie finally gave in. She had a feeling that the girls, especially Alaska, weren’t about to give up.  
“Okay, okay, fine. But just one song. And no originals. You get a classic. Your own, special, Trixie Mattel favorite.” She sighed, as she stood up and grabbed her guitar, before seating herself on the windowsill and strumming a few chords, adjusting the tuning as needed.  
The opening chords strummed out into the room, and out her open window into the street and sky beyond. She closed her eyes, a small smile playing on her lips as she began to sing along.  
“Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene…. I’m begging of you, please, don’t take my man…”  
\---  
Katya shoved her window open aggressively, hoping that would air the room of the strange, nervous energy that had been clouding it ever since the walking Barbie from next door had left.  
“Fuck. No. Ugh, fuck!” Katya muttered, a smile sneaking its way onto her face as soon as the thought of Trixie entered her mind. Crushes were not on the agenda for this year. One night stands? Sure. But crushes? Relationships? Emotions? Definitely not.  
It wasn’t as if Katya were ashamed of her lesbian-ness, but she didn’t exactly wear at as a badge of pride, either. As if foster homes had needed another reason to kick her out. The drinking and smoking and constant fights at school had always been enough reason for that, already. And girlfriends had always been out of the picture for her. With that, came dependence. And dependence was the one thing that Katya 100%, definitely, did not do. Depending on people never worked, and it always ended in heartbreak, whether platonic or not. And that was not what Katya was here for.  
The small blonde sat down on her bed, pulling the old, beat up, Russian study guide from her backpack. She’d had it for years, after stealing it from a bookstore when she was only 11. She’d been determined to teach herself Russian. She wasn’t about to lose her heritage. It was the only connection she had to her parents, and try as she might to hate them, she never completely could. And so, she’d spent her childhood teaching herself. Nobody had ever wanted to play with the freak on the playground anyways, so Katya found her friends in the Russian history books she’d also stolen, rather than in the other kids at school.  
High school hadn’t been any easier. She was still the weirdo, the odd-one-out. She didn’t exactly fit right in any of the cliques. She was too weird to be popular, too anxious to get into theater, and too weird, even yet, to fit in with the goths. And there wasn’t exactly a clique for “foster kid, might’ve lived on the streets for a while, smokes a pack a day, couldn’t keep a friend if their damn life depended on it”. She had a feeling maybe that was too specific, but she’d never let it bother her. Let the other kids have their friends, clubs, teams, and parties. She’d have her mother tongue and old, beat-up Russian history books.  
Her eyes grazed the worn pages that she was reading for likely the hundredth time. She knew everything here. Still, rereading these books was better than sitting and doing nothing. And, with that being her only other option, she chose to read.  
She was about twenty pages in, the words begining to swim before her eyes, when she heard a strumming guitar from outside her window. Soon, the sound was followed by a voice, clear and crisp. Beautiful.  
She hurried to the window, glancing outside onto the sidewalk below, trying to find whatever homeless woman may be busking down there. She’d found herself doing worse for cash in a desperate time, before. And despite the fact that she had barely anything to her name, she was prepared to rush down and give whoever it was at least a few dollars.  
“Jolene…..”  
Shit.  
Katya knew this one, thanks to the daughter of one of the foster families she’d lived with, who would only ever play country music around the house.  
And, some strange feeling told Katya that Trixie was totally a Dolly Parton superfan.  
And of course she’d have a perfect voice, so unlike Katya’s. The rare times she’d find herself singing, her voice was gravelly and rough, nothing like the one that was now drifting in through her window. Sweet. Beautiful. Smooth. Like honey. Katya wanted to wrap herself up in that sound and let it consume her. It felt warm and comfortable here, in its grasp. Like, maybe, just maybe, she could let her guard down, just for a moment. Like, maybe, she did have a shot at being happy here.  
Then, the lyrics continued, and Katya felt the warm, cozy sensation fall away, all at once.  
“I’m beggin’ of you please, don’t take my man”.  
Man.  
Of course. Because the cute girls were always the straight ones. And, the way she sang, with such raw emotion in her voice, Katya had a sickening feeling that the lyrics somehow spoke to her.  
She ran her hands slowly over her face, wiping away the stupid, childlike wonder she’d been feeling just moments before.  
She slammed the window shut.  
Katya spent the rest of the night reading her book, hair piled up on her head in a messy bun, an old, halfway destroyed, knitted blanket wrapped around her shoulders. She fell asleep not many hours later. The Dolly Parton lyrics, and the sweet-like-honey voice still echoed through her mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so i wrote a TON last night after posting the first chapter, and really wanted to post more, so don't judge me for the super-immediate update. I'll try to space out the next couple so I have stuff to post once school gets crazy.  
> ps. title from "Jolene" by Dolly Parton (aka the only song i've been wanting to listen to all week? for some weird reason? i don't even like country music????)


	3. CH 3: My Heart is Pounding (But It’s Just a Conversation)

Trixie woke the next morning, immediately pushing away the curtains and looking out into the sunny city beyond. She was already in love with New York. She loved the people, the sounds, the smells, the constant hum and bustle of the busy world just outside her window.  
She laughed softly, suddenly reminded of a joke that Adore had told last night. The girls had cheered her on for an encore after her rendition of Jolene, but Trixie had fought back, and finally they relented. Instead, they all sat around Trixie’s room, eating the bags upon bags of chips that Sharon had brought with her, laughing and telling stories, until they’d all gone back to their rooms, probably somewhere around two a.m.  
With nothing to do all day, until the football game she’d decided to attend that night, Trixie went out to explore the city. She could tell the locals were judging her, looking like a complete tourist, map in hand, even a cheesy “I Love NYC” t-shirt on. She didn’t care. She never did. Her theory was that you got one chance here. You had to make it count.  
After hitting nearly every tourist trap in the entire city, and spending way too much on shitty coffee, Trixie headed back to the dorms.  
By then, it was getting late, and she rushed upstairs to get ready in time for the game.  
Half an hour later found Trixie, tied up flannel and cut-off jean shorts, hair tied up in a huge, poofy ponytail, stripes of face paint in the school’s colors smeared across her cheeks. Was it a little much? Maybe. But so was Trixie.  
When she arrived, although the game still wasn’t set to start for another half hour, the stands were already almost completely full. Her eyes scanned the bleachers for an empty spot, finally spotting a familiar figure sitting alone in the back row of one of the stands. She waved up at the smaller blonde, smiling brightly, and was acknowledged by a lazy nod of the head. She took that as an invitation, rushing up the steps and taking a seat next to her.  
“Well, talk about school spirit. Jesus Christ, Trix.” Katya muttered, smiling slightly, shaking her head as she looked over at her.  
And suddenly, all that Trixie wanted to do, ever again, was make Katya smile.  
The larger girl’s heart skipped a beat, and she quickly found herself blushing, as she turned her head away from Katya, hoping she wouldn’t notice.  
“What can I say? I’m excitable.” Trixie replied, tucking a stray piece of hair that had fallen from the ponytail behind her ear.  
“What brought you here, anyways? This doesn’t exactly seem like…. Your scene, I guess? I dunno.” Trixie mumbled, awkwardly.  
“It was this, or sitting alone in my room doing jackshit. I guess this was the better option.” Katya replied shrugging.  
The two sat in silence for a few moments, Trixie struggling to find another topic of conversation, another way to make Katya smile, and Katya, just enjoying the silence. At least somebody was here, with her. She didn’t mind the lack of conversation. The company alone made up for it.  
Trixie was about to speak again, this time questioning Katya on where she was from, when a loud eruption of cheers marked the beginning of the game. Trixie immediately joined in on the cheering, and found herself quickly swept up in the excitement of the game.  
\--  
Katya had no idea how she’d found herself here. Not only at the game, but here, next to Trixie. She was like a big, bright ray of sunshine, something that Katya was so unfamiliar with. She looked up at the girl standing next to her, cheering and smiling, her frizzy ponytail flicking in the wind. Katya found herself smiling, big and sincere, as she looked up at her, and quickly wiped the smile from her lips, somewhat embarrassed. But, God, just look at her. She was like a movie star. A character you’d see in one of those cheesy, back-country rom-coms. Boy meets pretty, blonde, bright, girl-next-door, who’s everything anyone could ever want, whose smile could light up a whole room. Girl sings country music and loves Dolly Parton and wears too much pink, but nobody cares, because she’s so sweet and so happy. Katya doesn’t think she’s ever looked as happy as Trixie does right now, and they’re just at a frickin’ football game. It was like she ate rainbows for breakfast.  
Suddenly, she was extremely happy that she’d chosen the game over spending another night alone in her room.  
Maybe, things here could be good.  
Right now, looking up at Trixie, wrapped up again in that warmth and brightness, it seemed like maybe, just maybe, things would be okay.  
And, sure, maybe this was stupid. She probably didn’t even have a sliver of a chance with her. There was no way a girl this perfect would be into her, even if she did happen to be into girls at all.  
But, Katya tried to focus on the positive, likely for the first time ever. Just spending time with this girl, just watching her smile and laugh and run her fingers through her hair would be enough to last Katya a lifetime. She could handle an unrequited crush, as long as that meant she’d still have this walking-talking-bright-ray-of-sunshine-Barbie-doll in her life.  
The game finally came to an end, surprising Katya with a strange feeling of disappointment. She would’ve been happy just to sit there all night.  
Suddenly, Trixie’s voice broke through the silence.  
“I’m gonna head back to the dorms. You wanna walk together?” She asked, and with that bright smile shining down at her, Katya knew that she’d never, ever be able to say no to anything Trixie asked her.  
“Sure. Why not.” She grumbled, standing up and following the taller girl down the steps and into the crowded field below.  
They shoved through the crowd, finally reaching the opposite side, which was significantly less crowded. Trixie giggled, prompting a small, almost imperceptible smile from Katya, who trailed just behind her. Trixie slowed her steps slightly, falling in next to Katya.  
“So, how’d you spend your night yesterday? Geez, that sounds suggestive. You know what I mean.” Trixie asked, quickly stumbling to cover up the implications her words had brought along with them.  
“Nothing. Read. Slept. Wallowed in self-pity.” Katya joked in response. Self-deprecation was her specialty, although she had a feeling Trixie didn’t feel the same way. Quickly, her suspicions were confirmed.  
“Whaaat? No! Come hang out with us next time! A bunch of the girls came over to my room last night. It was fun. Although, they did force me to play them something. It wasn’t as embarrassing as I’d expected. Still pretty embarrassing, but not as bad as I’d expected.” She replied, laughing awkwardly.  
“I heard you.” Katya quickly replied, and immediately regretted it.  
“Oh, yikes. Sorry. I get the feeling that you’re probably not super into Dolly Parton and terrible singing voices.” Trixie apologized, shaking her head.  
“Nah. It was good. You sounded nice. And, yeah, she’s pretty horrible. But I guess I’ll learn to tolerate it.” Katya replied, smirking slightly.  
“She is not horrible. She’s an icon. A legend. You’re just uncultured.” Trixie defended, jokingly, before continuing.  
“So, what kind of music does an angsty Russian girl enjoy, then?”  
“What makes you think I’m angsty?” Katya asked, raising an eyebrow, as Trixie quickly argued back.  
“Oh, c’mon! You give off such a vibe!”  
“A vibe?” Katya replied, an unimpressed look shot in Trixie’s direction.  
“Y’know…. Like, angsty. Emo, goth teen, all grown up. You’re like… Standoffish. In the best way possible. Don’t take that as an insult… It’s just like… You always seem like you want to be somewhere else. I dunno. You miss the motherland?” Trixie rushed to explain, trying to sound complementary, rather than insulting.  
Katya’s heart skipped a beat.  
In the best way possible.  
Well, damn. That didn’t make her feel all that bad.  
“For your information, princess, I never lived in ‘the motherland’. And I was never an emo, goth kid. I was always too weird for them. Get that, huh? Too weird for the weirdos.” Katya replied, chuckling slightly, before continuing.  
“And I don’t want to be somewhere else. I haven’t exactly got anywhere else to go. I just decided, a long time ago, that being - what did you call it? ‘Standoffish’? - was easier. If you don’t rely on people, no one can let you down. I don’t mean to come off as an asshole, y’know. It’s just sort of natural.” She excused, shrugging as she shoved her hands into the pockets of her ratty jean jacket.  
“You don’t. Come off as an asshole, I mean.” Trixie offered, sounding somewhat flustered, trying to lighten the other girl’s obviously tense mood. But Trixie had a feeling that’s just how she always was. Consistently intense.  
“Yeah, I do. It’s fine. It’s just how I am.” Katya argued back, and Trixie finally relented.  
“Okay, maybe you do. But, y’know, you shouldn’t be so afraid of relying on other people. Sometimes it’s nice to let people in.” The taller girl suggested, as the dorm building finally came into view ahead of them.  
“Maybe. I dunno. Thanks.” Katya responded, not really agreeing, but just hoping it would get Trixie off of her back about it. She didn’t want this girl to think she was some sad, lonely sob-story.  
She didn’t rely on people. And Trixie wasn’t going to change that.  
Even if she was, truly, honestly, the best thing Katya had ever known. She had already decided that was true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another quick update YIKES  
> p.s. title is from "Take Your Time" by Sam Hunt (because apparently I suddenly like country music??)


	4. There's No Other Girl Like You (No One)

“Princess”  
Holy shit.  
Katya had really just called her princess.  
Trixie was surprised she hadn’t exploded, right then and there.  
It had taken a ton of effort to bring her head back down from the clouds, trying to catch up on the conversation she’d missed out on while she’d been daydreaming.  
As she continued on, trying to convince Katya to let her guard down, and let her in, she found herself glancing shyly at her from the corner of her eye.  
Katya was the kind of girl who was beautiful, in the most unexpected, strange ways. Her makeup was messy and smudged, but Trixie had a feeling that was on purpose. It was just so her. It made her eyes pop, bright and tired-looking, all at the same time. Her lips were always painted bright red, and how the hell were her teeth so perfect? Her hair was choppy, haphazardly cut bangs hanging low over her eyes. Her clothes were old and rugged and looked too small for her, as if they’d been bought years and years ago and she’d just grown out of them.  
She was perfect, in the most imperfect of ways.  
Trixie had to stop herself from staring as they walked.  
Butterflies fluttered wildly in her stomach, and it was a bit of a struggle to keep an embarrassingly large smile off her face. Focusing on the conversation, instead of just observing the wonder next to her was hard enough.  
Katya’s gravelly voice suddenly broke through the silence.  
“So, uh…. Here we are. I’m gonna stay out here for a smoke. See you around, I guess? I have a feeling you don’t want to stand out here and poison yourself for my sake.” She grumbled, her dark sense of humor surprising Trixie once again.  
“What makes you think I’m not a smoker, too?” She asked, crossing her arms, feigning offense.  
“Oh, please. You’re way too goody-two-shoes for that.” Katya argued, prompting a light giggle from the taller girl.  
“Fine, you’ve got me there. But I’m not that much of a goody-two-shoes. I can be a rebel, when I want to.” Trixie insisted, finding herself trying way too hard to impress Katya.  
“If you’re about to ask me for a cig, the answer’s no. I paid too much for them to enable you to destroy your lungs along with me. It’s not like I can even afford them in the first place. Nicotine is a girl’s best friend, and it fucking sucks.” Katya insisted, and Trixie finally gave up.  
“Fine. But I’ll stay out here with you. At least let me do that?” Trixie asked, and was greeted by a noncommittal nod from Katya, as she grabbed the pack of cigarettes and lighter from her bag. She quickly lit it, taking a drag, her eyes closed softly as she blew the smoke out into the dark, night sky.  
“I could’ve bet you were a smoker.” Trixie said, prompting a defensive response from the other girl.  
“What’s that supposed to mean?”  
“Oh, uh… Nothing. I didn’t mean it like that. My mom smokes. You were like, vibrating earlier. Shaking your legs, tapping your fingers. She does the same thing. Gets easy to recognize after 18 years.” Trixie excused, as Katya nodded slowly, blowing more smoke out between her pursed lips.  
“Keeps me busy, I guess. Something to give me some semblance of comfort, if nothing else.” Katya explained, shrugging.  
“When did you start?” Trixie asked, her hands resting in the pockets of her shorts as she leaned back against the hard brick wall of the building, next to Katya.  
“I was… 14? I think?” She replied, trying to remember what foster home she was in when she’d started.  
“Shit. I didn’t think anyone that young smoked. Uh, no offense.”  
“None taken. I’ve done worse. I’m an outlier, I guess, then, huh? It’s a bitch of a habit, but a habit nonetheless.” Katya continued, before dropping the cigarette to the ground and stomping out the last embers.  
“You’ve done worse? Like what?” Trixie questioned, and Katya struggled not to laugh at the naivety of the taller girl beside her. She still, somehow, saw the world through rose-tinted glasses. Katya wasn’t sure she’d ever been like that. She doubted she’d ever been that innocent.  
“Like, none of your business. It’s not something I’m just gonna blurt out to the cute, farmtown, goody-two-shoes Barbie doll I just met yesterday.” Katya huffed in response, the words coming out much more defensive than she’d planned.  
“That came out aggressive. Yikes.” Katya muttered, as a means of apology. ‘Sorry’ wasn’t a word that the shorter blonde typically used.  
The two stood in silence for a few minutes, before Katya sighed and shoved herself off her place resting against the wall.  
“Well, I’m gonna head in. See you around Trix.” She mumbled, tucking her long, messy hair behind her ears before heading inside, leaving Trixie alone.  
\--  
Trixie didn’t know exactly what she was feeling.  
One one hand, Katya seemed pissed at her. Which was warranted. Leave it to Trixie to overstep.  
But, on the other hand, she’d called her cute. A Barbie doll, even. And although she wasn’t sure if that was meant as an insult or a compliment, she decided to take it as a compliment.  
And Katya was a vision. An angsty, Russian, sketchy, chain-smoking vision, but a vision nonetheless. The fact that she, of all people, had called Trixie cute was making her feel as if her head and heart both might explode, at the same time.  
Trixie took a deep breath, trying to calm her buzzing mind, before heading back inside. Her face was still stretched into a huge, dorky smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yikes sorry this chapter took so long! i had orientation week @ uni this week & have been super super super busy!! i've got a few more chapters written now, though, so hopefully updates will be more regular from now on. (also sorry this one's so short i promise the next few are longer!!!)  
> p.s. song title is from "Dive" by Ed Sheeran


	5. The World Looks Better Through Your Eyes

The rest of the week flew by in the blink of an eye. Trixie found herself swept away to countless frat parties and frosh week celebrations, all thanks to Courtney. Trixie hadn’t seen Katya for days now, besides the few times she’d passed her in the hallways, offering a bright smile and an excited “Hey!”, which only ever gained her a half-hearted nod in response. And of course, there was the time they’d crossed paths, Trixie heading into the showers, Katya leaving. Both girls couldn’t seem to look away from the other, Trixie’s eyes glued to the towel wrapped just barely above Katya’s breasts. Finally, she managed to snap herself back to reality, offering a nervous laugh.  
“You better not have used all the hot water.” She joked, Katya simply rolling her eyes and smiling, ever so slightly, as they finally passed.  
Things didn’t get any better once classes started. Completely different programs meant completely different schedules and hours of classes, meaning that now she was lucky if she bumped into katya in the halls twice a week.  
She’d give anything to see that choppy blonde hair and perfect smile more often.  
By the end of the month, Trixie was ready to think about anything but school, even just for a few hours. So, when Courtney invited her to a party that Friday night, she immediately agreed.  
A tight, white, low-cut t-shirt hugged her curves, paired with yet another pair of cut-off shorts. Her curly, unruly hair hung free from its usual ponytail, and her lips popped with bright pink lipstick.  
A knock at the door alerted her to Alaska’s presence, peeking her head in, smiling.  
“Looking good, Mattel. You ready to go?”  
“Ready as I’ll ever be.” She joked, as she followed her out into the hall to meet the other girls.  
The walk over to the party took at least ten minutes longer than it should’ve, all thanks to Courtney’s shoes making them stop every ten steps.  
Finally, they arrived, and Trixie immediately headed towards the alcohol. By the third song, she was already sufficiently drunk.  
As some Nicki Minaj song Trixie didn’t know started to blast from the speakers, with yet another drink in her hand, her eyes found a familiar figure across the room.  
And if Trixie was excitable sober, she acted as if she’d won the lottery when drunk.  
“OH. MY. GOD! KATYA! YOU’RE HERE!”  
She yelled, stumbling over to the smaller blonde, who was leaning against the wall by the drinks, bottle in hand.  
“Isn’t this party so fun? It’s so fun!” Trixie giggled, wrapping her arm around Katya’s shoulders, leaning drunkenly on her.  
“Seems like you’re having a good time, Trix. Party’s got good beer?” Katya asked, a small smile playing on her lips.  
“Yeah! And I don’t even like beer!” She replied, excitedly, taking another swig of her drink.  
A new song started playing throughout the room, and Trixie excitedly grabbed Katya’s hand, squeezing it tightly.  
“Dance with me! We should dance!”  
“No. We definitely should not.” Katya grumbled, but yet, she couldn’t seem to wipe the smile off of her face.  
\--  
Katya honestly had no idea how she’d found herself here.  
Parties were definitely not her scene.  
But, some guy in her seminar that morning had told every girl there to come, and with the promise of free drinks, Katya had obliged.  
But, when she saw Trixie stumbling around the room, a smile brightly lighting up her face, she had absolutely no regrets about her choice.  
“Oh, come on! It’ll be fun! Dance with me, Kat!” Trixie urged, tugging on Katya’s hand, prompting butterflies to flutter in Katya’s stomach, both from the familiar nickname and the contact.  
“I don’t dance, Trix. No way.” Katya argued, and Trixie finally relented.  
“Ugh, fine! But just know that you’re a fun ruiner. You ruin fun.” Trixie pouted, and Katya rolled her eyes in response.  
“Duly noted.”  
“Let’s get a drink, instead. You like drinking! I know you do.” Trixie quickly interjected, pulling Katya by the hand towards the drink table.  
When the two girls both had yet another drink in hand, Trixie tried again to pull her into the middle of the dance floor.  
“Trix, calm down. How many of those have you had?” Katya asked, uncomfortably glancing at the people around them.  
Crowds made Katya anxious.  
Most things did.  
“I dunno. A lot. But they’re so good!” Trixie exclaimed, tipping the bottle back to her lips and immediately spilling it all overself.  
“Nooooo! I loved this shirt!” Trixie whined, the sudden change of emotions making it clear just how drunk she really was. Katya immediately noticed tears pooling up in her bright, wide eyes, and made a quick judgement call.  
“Please tell me you’re not crying right now…. Okay, you’re definitely crying. Uh…. Why don’t we get you back home, Trixie? You can go to bed, and it’ll all be better in the morning.” She suggested, surprising even herself with the compassion and care she was showing the other girl.  
“You promise?” Trixie asked, looking at her, wide-eyed, mascara streaks already staining her cheeks as she sniffled back more tears.  
“Uh… Yeah. Sure. Promise” Katya grumbled, wrapping an arm around the larger girl’s waist and guiding her back outside.  
“You’re so nice. And pretty. And funny. You’re, like, the nicest, prettiest, funniest person I’ve ever met.” Trixie slurred, and Katya had no idea why those words prompted even more tears from Trixie. In her, however, they prompted an excited buzz in her chest, and a small smile nervously played on her lips. Pretty. She’d called her pretty...  
“No, I’m definitely not.” Katya insisted, snapping back to reality, as she struggled to hold up the larger girl’s weight, as Trixie stumbled down the sidewalk, her high heels definitely not helping the situation.  
“Yes, you are! You’re so many good things, Katya. You gotta believe me.” Trixie continued, a quiver in her voice as more tears streaked down her face.  
“Okay, okay. Thanks, Trix. I believe you.” Katya lied, hoping, if anything, to make Trixie stop crying. She was horrible with people, and even worse with people who were drunkenly crying, for no apparent reason. But, she was doing the best she could, given the situation.  
“Y’know, they didn’t even play one Dolly Parton song? Not one! What kinda party is that?” Trixie asked, and the way she sounded so, horribly offended made Katya laugh.  
“I dunno, Trix. Sounds like a pretty horrible party to me.” She replied, sarcastically, as Trixie leaned dramatically on her.  
“I know! And all of my friends totally ditched me! How could they do that? I’m super fun at parties.” Trixie argued, pouting, once again.  
“I can tell. Who ditched you?”  
“Courtney spent the whole night making out with some football player. Who, by the way, was so not cute enough for her. Sharon practically had her hand up Alaska’s skirt from the second we walked in. And Adore was out blazin’ it on the porch all night long.” Trixie explained, sniffling and crying again.  
“‘Blazin’ it’? Oh my god. I didn’t think anyone actually said that.” Katya wheezed, laughing loudly.  
“Don’t make fun of me! I’m sad!” Trixie argued back, as Katya bit back her laughter.  
“Why’re you sad, Trix?” Katya asked, deciding it would be better just to indulge the intoxicated girl’s ranting.  
“My friends ditched me! It was shitty! They suck… You’d never ditch me, Katya. I know you wouldn’t. Right?” She asked, and the sad, puppy-dog look in her eyes just proved to Katya, again, that she could never, ever say no to her.  
“Right.” Katya agreed, as the dorm room building came into sight in front of them.  
“That’s why I like you. I like you, Katya. Y’know that?” Trixie asked, innocently. Sweetly.  
“Yeah, okay, Barbie. I like you too.” Katya grumbled, despite the growing blush on her cheeks  
“Duh. Everyone likes me.” Trixie replied, prompting a chuckle from the smaller blonde.  
“Yeah, I guess everyone does.”  
Getting up the stairs was a struggle. Trixie’s weight was hard enough for Katya to support up the incline, but her stumbling and giving up, sitting down dejectedly, laughing and crying intermittently, every second step only made it more difficult.  
Finally, they got her upstairs and into her room, where Trixie immediately flopped down onto her bed.  
“You wanna get changed? You smell like cheap beer and sadness.” Katya suggested, and Trixie sat up, tugging her shirt off immediately, pouting up at the shorter girl.  
“I feel like cheap beer and sadness.”  
“That makes no sense.” Katya argued, but felt it hard to focus on anything except for Trixie’s bra, staring her right in the face. She struggled to tear her eyes away from the larger girl’s breasts. She could imagine herself squeezing them, imagine her face planted firmly between them, kissing and nipping, making the larger girl squeal in delight…  
She quickly tossed Trixie a t-shirt, pulling her eyes and mind away from Trixie’s boobs.  
“You okay? I’m gonna head back to my room. If you need anything, you know where to find me.” Katya asked, and immediately found Trixie pouting up at her from the place she’d just taken under her blankets.  
“Tuck me in?” Trixie asked, her voice sad and soft, and Katya had to agree, no matter how bitter she acted in doing so.  
“Fine. You owe me one.”  
She slowly approached the bed, tugging the pink covers up to meet Trixie’s shoulders. Slowly, softly, she brushed a stray curl off of Trixie’s face. She couldn’t help but smile as she looked down at her, large tear-filled lashes resting softly on her cheeks, eyes closed. Already asleep.  
She sat there for a moment more, just looking at Trixie, a soft smile unwillingly painted on her lips.  
“G’night, Trix.” She finally whispered, as she stood up and headed towards the door. She took one final look at Trixie, softly snoring and curled up into a tiny ball. Her heart felt like it might burst at any moment. Silently, Katya turned out the light, and left, shutting the door softly behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this chapter took forever to get posted!!! the first week of uni totally kicked my ass, but hopefully i'll get used to it soon. thank you guys so much for all of the comments & feedback. it really means a lot <3  
> p.s. chapter title from firefly by ed sheeran (i know the title doesn't really fit but i was struggling to find one that did so give me some pity lmao)


	6. share your soul with me

As soon as Katya heard the light tapping on her door the next morning, she knew exactly who she’d see on the other side.  
“Hey, Trix.” She said, smirking slightly as she opened the door.  
“How’s that hangover treating you?”  
“Not. Good. I just puked for like twenty minutes. Which is, like, gross. TMI. You totally didn’t need to know that. And now I’m embarrassed.” Trixie muttered, running a hand through her unkempt hair.  
“Don’t be. We’ve all done it. C’mon in. My garbage can is all yours.” Katya offered, stepping aside as Trixie dragged herself into the room.  
“Wow. My knight in shining armour.” Trixie replied, sarcastically, before slumping down next to Katya’s bed, garbage can in reach.  
Even like this, she looked beautiful. Maybe just to Katya, but beautiful all the same.  
Her hair was messy and unbrushed, but it still held that same, perfect, effortless beauty. Her eyes were red and tired-looking, but Katya still saw the brightness and hope shining from them, too. And despite smelling like beer and sweat, Katya was more than happy to have her sitting in her room.  
“No, but seriously… Thanks for walking me home last night. I honestly doubt I would’ve ever managed to get back on my own.” Trixie said, snapping Katya’s mind back to reality, as she realized she’d probably been creepily staring at her for quite a while now.  
“Don’t mention it.”  
“I’m gross when I’m drunk. Sorry about that.”  
“Oh c’mon. You weren’t gross, you were cute. You kept giggling. And crying. But even the crying was cute. You look like a friggin’ sad puppy dog when you cry. It’s insane.” Katya replied, a small smile playing on her lips.  
“Fine. But even if I didn’t look gross, I definitely felt gross.” Trixie relented, grimacing.  
“Yeah. Hangover’s are a bitch.” Katya grumbled.  
“True. Luckily, I think I puked mine all out already. I feel soooo much better.” Trixie replied, as she made her way over to the mirror propped up in the corner, pulling her hair up into a ponytail.  
Katya couldn’t tear her eyes away from the reflection.  
“Lucky you. My hangovers last like a fuckin’ week.” She finally replied, snapping herself back into focus.  
“Gross. But, uh…. do you have plans today?” Trixie asked, and Katya noticed the slight, almost imperceptible nervousness in her tone. She didn’t think Trixie was the kind of girl who got nervous. She always seemed so confident, so sure, like Katya’s polar opposite.  
“Nah. Why?” She replied nonchalantly, looking up at the taller blonde.  
“I want to repay my knight in shining armour! That, and I’m dying for a coffee. Lemme buy you one? I’ve heard about this super cute coffee place a few blocks away and I need to check it out.” Trixie begged, although Katya would’ve said yes to just about anything she asked.  
“You don’t have to buy me anything. But, uh, yeah, sounds fun.” Katya agreed, swinging her legs off the bed and standing up.  
Trixie, who had returned to her place sitting on the ground, raised her arms, clearly asking for help up. Katya took her hands and pulled her up, quickly letting go.  
Her heartbeat was so hard and so fast, she was worried Trixie could hear it.  
“Thanks. I think it’s a bit of a walk, so I hope you don’t hate that. It gives us a chance to talk. I feel like we never get to see each other anymore. And that sucks. Because, like drunk me said last night, I like you. And it sucks that I never get to hang out with the cool, mysterious Russian goth next door.” Trixie explained, and Katya found herself blushing. Trixie did that to her. The simplest of things made her feel as if she might implode.  
I like you.  
God, it didn’t mean anything. Katya knew better than that. But it still made her chest feel as if it might burst.  
“Yeah, you’re not too bad yourself, Trix. And this time, I’ll let you get away with ‘goth’. Just this one time. Consider it a hangover gift.” Katya replied, nervously, shoving her hands into the pockets of her old, beaten-up jacket.  
“Gee, thanks?” Trixie replied sarcastically, laughing slightly as she led the way out of the room and down the stairs, out onto the busy city street below.  
The two walked in silence for the first few minutes.  
Trixie couldn’t keep the smile off her face.  
Katya couldn’t stop her heart from beating at rapidfire speed.  
Finally, Trixie spoke up, her voice bright and bubbly, striking butterflies into Katya’s stomach.  
“So, tell me about you. I feel like I know literally nothing about you.”  
“I’m not all that interesting, Trix. There’s not all that much to tell.” Katya grumbled dismissively, but Trixie wasn’t about to give in that easy.  
“Oh, c’mon…. Okay, I’ll help. Where are you from? Any pets? What do your parents do? Um…. Ooh, if you could go anywhere in the entire world, where and why?” Trixie replied, excited.  
“Okay, okay, fine.” Katya sighed, giving in, before continuing.  
“Uh, I’m from New York. City, not just state. Born and raised here. Kind of grown to hate it, but there’s still stuff to like, I guess. Cheap food, if you know where to find it. Decent parks, and all that. Never had any pets. I think my mom maybe had a dog, when I was like, super young. I dunno. Can’t really ask her. Which, I guess, leads into your next question? About my parents? Never met my dad, I don’t think. Don’t remember. He might be dead. I’ve never tried looking him up, so I guess I don’t know. My mom was, uh…. I think a nurse? I haven’t seen her since I was 4. I don’t remember stuff from then all that well, and I don’t really have anyone to ask, ‘cuz her family didn’t talk to us. Teen mom, and all that. I think she was, like, 16 when she had me? I don’t know where she is now. No fuckin’ clue…. And if I could go anywhere: Russia. Bet you probably could’ve guessed that, huh? “The motherland”?” Katya replied, the blank tone of her voice and the quick topic-change giving no indication that she’d just told Trixie something that anyone with a heart would find depressing.  
Katya didn’t think about it like that. To her, it was just normal. She’d never known family, so it wasn’t strange to her to not have one.  
To most people, it was.  
“Oh… Shit, uh, Kat… I’m sorry. It’s probably a touchy subject. Sorry I brought it up.” Trixie said softly, regret evident in her tone.  
“Nah, it’s not. Why would it be?” Katya replied, a confused frown on her face. Maybe it was a touchy subject, on lonely, drunk nights where she’d cry and wonder why she had to have it different. Why she didn’t deserve what everyone else got. But, in the light of day, it was just normal, regular life for Katya. Loneliness became normal after 14 years.  
“I dunno. I just… I couldn’t imagine it.” Trixie said softly, her voice almost a whisper.  
“I couldn’t ever imagine having a mom. It’s like, a foreign concept. I’m used to it, by now, so don’t go around feeling sorry for me, or anything. It’s fine.” Katya replied, her voice flat and emotionless.  
“Oh, uh, okay…” Trixie mumbled, awkwardly, before speaking up again a few moments later.  
“Can I ask you something? About that?”  
“Go for it.” Katya replied, anxiously avoiding Trixie’s eyes, which she could sense were trying to catch her own.  
“Did you, uh… Like were you a foster kid, then?”  
“Mhm. Fun times.” Katya replied, sarcastically.  
“So, you have like… Foster families? That looked out for you, and stuff?” Trixie asked, and the way she sounded like she genuinely cared made Katya confused. People didn’t care about her. And definitely not pretty girls like Trixie. Katya just wasn’t the type of person people cared about. And, yet, here was Trixie. Asking. Caring. Feeling bad for her. It was strange. Foreign. It scared her.  
“No. I mean, I had a few over the years, but they were all pretty shitty. Nothing worked out. Probably my fault, not theirs. I’m the common theme in all those failures, so… A lot of people were in it for the government benefits, or the bragging rights, or just the extra kids to kick around. I dunno. There are lots of shitty people in this world, Trix. Maybe not in happy-ville, USA, which is apparently where you’re from. But, there’s lots out there. I’m one of them, honestly.” Katya muttered, uncomfortable, trying to draw the attention away from her.  
“I’m sorry.” Trixie said softly, and Katya could tell by her tone that she meant it.  
“Don’t. Please, just don’t. It’s not anyone’s fault.” Katya quickly replied, shaking her head.  
“You shouldn’t blame yourself like that, though.” Trixie added, and Katya quickly snapped back.  
“I don’t.”  
A lie.  
But Trixie didn’t have to know that.  
“Not everyone gets a happy, shiny childhood, y’know? And I just happened to be one of the ones that didn’t. It’s fine. It’s over now. I learned how to handle my own shit and never looked back. I’ve got this independence thing all figured out.” She continued, shrugging, hoping the conversation would drift away from her. She was growing anxious with the focus lying so heavily on her, and she quickly fished a cigarette from her bag and lit it, her hands shaky, hoping her feelings might float away with the dark smoke she blew.  
Finally, she took a drag and spoke up, quickly changing the subject.  
“What about you? Tell me about your family.”  
“Oh… Uh, I don’t…” Trixie stuttered, before Katya quickly interrupted.  
“C’mon. Don’t think it’ll make me upset. I’m over it.”  
“Oh… Okay, um… My mom owns this super cute, little bakery in our town. She makes the most amazing cupcakes. Oh my god. Like, fucking heaven. She’s great. Our whole house always smells like baking. I miss that so, crazy much. I don’t have any siblings, but I have the cutest dog on the entire planet. She’s this sweet, little golden retriever. Dixie. Yes, like the Dixie Chicks. Don’t bully me over that. My mom picked it. My music taste can be blamed entirely on her.” Trixie explained, excitedly, as Katya listened intently. She was sure that Trixie could be talking about literally anything, and she’d be interested. She could listen to her talk for hours and hours, and never get bored.  
“What about your dad?” Katya asked, taking another long drag from her cigarette.  
“I never met him, either. I mean, not my birth dad, at least. He left my mom the night she told him she was pregnant. And they’d been dating for like, years. Asshole. Anyways… Uh, she remarried when I was 2. I think she just wanted someone, y’know? She wanted to feel loved. I don’t know why she picked who she did, but… She did. I was supposed to call him dad. I did, when I was super young. I stopped the first time I saw him hit her. At least, I stopped calling him that when he wasn’t around. I was too afraid to piss the guy off anymore. He… He wasn’t a good guy. Not like my mom deserved. And she stayed. She just let it keep happening. I remember asking her why we still lived with him when I was probably only 8. She told me we needed him. He took care of us. Protected us. But he didn’t. He only ever hurt her, and that hurt me. She left him when I was, like, 10. After the first time she saw him hit me. He’d been doing it for years, she just never saw. And I never told. He was like ten times my size, and fucking terrifying. But, ever since she left him? We’ve had it so good. I’ve never seen my mom happy like she is now. She’s like… Free. It’s kind of amazing to see, after seeing her so broken for so long. We’re best friends. And we don’t need no man to take care of us.” Trixie rushed out, her voice shaky, her words tumbling out at rapid-fire speed. She sounded nervous, but sure, all at the same time. She didn’t hold back. It was as if she wanted to tell her, as if she wanted to trust her with it. Katya had a feeling she was the kind of girl who liked to tell stories, who wasn’t ashamed of things like she was. Katya was always terrified to share even the smallest details of her life with anyone. Trixie was the exact opposite, like an open book.  
“Men are shitty. Who needs ‘em?” Katya grumbled in response. She wasn’t usually good at expressing her emotions, but she did have a strange feeling in the pit of her stomach; anger and sadness, both, at the same time. She had the immediate realization that if anyone ever hurt Trixie again, they wouldn’t live to see the end of it. The story itself made Katya want to track down that asshole and beat the living hell out of him.  
“Exactly. Never had a good one in my life. I have a feeling there might not be all that many out there at all. Is that pessimistic? Maybe. I don’t know. It’s just how I feel.” Trixie explained, rambling, evidently nervous.  
“Nah, I get that. I’ve never had a good one around, either. All the men in my life just kicked me around. But, that comes with the territory, I guess. You don’t have anyone looking out for you, people will do whatever the fuck they want to you, no consequences. It’s pretty pathetic what some guys will do to the homeless sixteen year old girl down the street. But, y’know, she’s making twenty bucks, right? She’s not complaining. Not like she knows any fucking better. Not like she has any say in the matter. But, it’s a win-win, right? You get off, the kid can buy something to eat for the first time in a week, and maybe you don’t feel so bad about it… I’ll never understand how people think. People talk about karma a lot, but I don’t really know. The shittiest people always seem to have it the best.” Katya ranted, before realizing how heated and personal and just plain angry she’d gotten. Quickly, she changed the subject, trying to calm herself, stop her shaking hands, and blink away the stinging in her eyes.  
She didn’t know where that had come from.  
She hadn’t meant to say any of that.  
But, something about Trixie made her feel safe. Like she could trust her. And the words had just tumbled out.  
“Oh, my god, Kat…. I don’t - I can’t… I’m so fucking sorry. Oh my god, I… You didn’t deserve that… I’m so, so sorry, Kat” Trixie whispered, her voice heavy, sounding like it might break at any moment, not meeting that smaller girl’s eyes.  
Katya hated that.  
She hated that she’d given Trixie a reason to worry about her.  
She hated that she’d given her a reason to care about her, at all, in the first place. She still wasn’t sure how she’d managed to do that. What about her made a beautiful, perfect, bright ray of light like Trixie care? She didn’t know. She wasn’t sure she ever would. She wasn’t sure she even wanted to.  
“Don’t. Like I said, I’m over it. It’s done now. I don’t lose any sleep over it.” She replied, flippantly, her voice flat and emotionless, hoping Trixie wouldn’t notice her shaking hands betraying her facade.  
It was a lie.  
She’d wake up at least a few nights a week, tears still on her cheeks, her heart racing, her mind reeling to make her realize that it was just a dream. That that didn’t happen anymore. That she didn’t let people use her anymore.  
“I know… I just-” Trixie stuttered, before Katya caught her eye and interrupted.  
“Are you… Crying?”  
“No…” Trixie muttered, quickly turning her head away from the shorter girl.  
“You totally are. Why?” Katya asked, confusion evident in her tone.  
“It’s just… I dunno. It’s fuckin’ sad, Kat. Fuck.” Trixie sighed, shaking her head as she wiped at her eyes.  
“Don’t. It’s not. It’s fine.” Katya grumbled in response.  
But, Trixie didn’t even know the half of it.  
Being used up and thrown aside by any man who felt like it was bad enough.  
Having that bring you to the realization of your sexuality? Worse.  
Having to continue what you’d been doing, despite knowing it was wrong, it wasn’t what you were, because you needed to be able to afford to eat for the first time in days? Even worse still.  
Thinking about her sexuality just brought her right back to those nights, to the hours she’d spent feeling sick afterwards, to the painful guilt and loneliness that hung in the after.  
She’d sit on the street corner, her chest feeling heavy and her stomach sick. She spent cold, sleepless nights, one after the other, trying to figure out why she’d felt the way she did. How to deal with it, once she finally understood. It was so confusing. And she was so, painfully alone, through it all.  
She was a lesbian.  
And the one thing that was supposed to be her’s, to define her, to help her find her place and find her way, had been tainted. Just like so many other things. By all those who had hurt her.  
But, Trixie never needed to know that.  
Katya had already said way too much.  
“I don’t like talking about this. I don’t even know why I brought it up. I’m sorry.” Katya muttered, her voice betraying her, shaking nervously as she spoke.  
“Don’t. Don’t be sorry.” Trixie said, her voice soft and gentle.  
Silence hung heavily between the two, before Trixie spoke up again, her voice soft, barely above a whisper.  
“You said you were homeless? Like… Actually?”  
“Yeah. Kind of what the name implies, y’know? But, uh, it wasn’t that bad. NYC has lots of shelters and food banks and soup kitchens and stuff. I made money. I got by. It wasn’t for all that long, anyways. Just a couple of months… It’s not as bad as people make it out to be.” Katya explained.  
Lying.  
Again.   
It was worse - so, so much worse - than people made it out to be. But she wasn’t here to play the pity card.  
“Look… I really don’t want you to treat me differently now. I’m sorry I unloaded all my shit on you. I, uh… I went through some tough times. But I’m through them now. I’m fine. You don’t need to, like, worry about me, or anything. I’m doing good, now.” Katya explained, the words rushing out, as she tried to repair the damage she’d just caused.  
She didn’t want things to be different between them. She loved what they had, even if it was just a friendship. She didn’t want to lose that. As much as she hated relying on people, Katya had somehow found herself relying on Trixie. And she’d be lying if she said she totally hated it.  
“I won’t. I just… I’m here, if you ever need stuff, or wanna talk or… I’m just here, y’know?” Trixie asked, gently placing her hand on Katya’s arm, reassuringly, as they walked.  
“Yeah. Okay. Uh, thanks… Can we, uh… Can we talk about something else?” Katya mumbled, uncomfortable, quickly answered by a nod from Trixie.  
She didn’t know why she’d told her all that. She hadn’t told anyone, ever, about what she’d done for money on the streets. It was embarrassing. It hurt to even think about, let alone talk about. But with Trixie, somehow it felt easier. Trixie actually cared. She couldn’t remember a single time when anyone else had ever asked her about her past. She couldn’t remember anyone ever caring about her the way Trixie seemed to.  
Something about Trixie made her feel safe. Like she could tell her things. Like she could open up.  
It was terrifying.  
But it was a nice sort of terrifying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yikES sorry for going MIA for so long. school is craZY & i've missed writing this so much, so fingers crossed that i start to find more time to write soon.  
> thank you guys so much for all the comments on these chapters. you can't possibly know how much they mean to me. as someone who is super super SUPER anxious, i was really nervous about posting this story in the first place, but all of the positive feedback from you guys has made me really glad i did. thank you, thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.  
> if anyone ever wants to shoot me a message or say hi or anything, just hmu on @katypetrovnas. i'd love to get to know you guys :)  
> (p.s. chapter title from "human" by dodie clark)


	7. I'd Rather Fuel A Fantasy (Than Deal With This Alone)

“OOH!! This is it! This is the place! God, why is all the coffee in this entire city so frickin’ expensive?”  
Trixie excitedly grabbed Katya’s hand, butterflies fluttering in her stomach at the touch, and pulled her inside.  
Her chest felt heavy from the conversation they’d just had. Katya had so much pain in her past, so much loneliness and hurt. It made Trixie feel as if her chest were going to give in. She just wanted to hold her, tell her that she didn’t have to be alone anymore, that she wouldn’t let anyone hurt her, ever again, that she’d make everything be okay.  
It hurt to see Katya like this. Bearing all of this, alone. And to her, it was all normal. She didn’t even seem phased by some of the things she’d told her. That made it even worse.  
But, Trixie tried to wipe the thoughts from her mind. She knew Katya didn’t want to talk about it, and she didn’t want to start crying again.  
“Just let me buy you one. I owe you one. You had to drag my drunk ass home last night. It’s the least I can do.” Trixie convinced, as Katya sighed, finally giving in.  
“Fine. Just this once.”  
“Ooh lemme guess… You’re definitely a black coffee kinda girl?” Trixie said, racking her brain for something to say to bring Katya’s spirits back up. She wished she knew what to say, how to make Katya see that she was here and she cared. She wanted her to know she wasn’t alone, anymore. But, she knew it would be better to just leave the subject alone, at least, for the day. Katya didn’t want to talk about it. That was pretty clear. They’d already spent too much time today talking about the tough stuff, anyways. She was planning to keep it positive. That was how she always worked, or, at least, when she was around other people.  
“Guess again, Barbie. Two sugar.” Katya replied, crossing her arms over her chest. Trixie had noticed that about her. She was always in a defensive stance. Always protecting herself, somehow. Against what? Trixie hadn’t been able to figure that out until today. But since Katya’s explanation of her past, it had all become pretty clear.  
“Damn. Never would’ve guessed. How hard would you judge me if I admitted I drink three cream, three sugar?” Trixie asked, grinning slightly.  
“Pretty hard. That’s nasty, Trix.” Katya replied, laughing.  
They approached the counter and Trixie ordered their drinks, grabbing a cookie as well.  
“We’re splitting this, whether you like it or not.” She told Katya, before grabbing their drinks and heading for the door.  
“There’s a ton of shops down here that I’m dying to check out sometime. It’s so cute here.” She gushed, her eyes lit up as she looked excitedly around them.  
“Go for it. Don’t let me stop you.” Katya replied, and Trixie turned to her, eyebrows raised.  
“You sure? I don’t want to drag you along if you’ll hate it.”  
“I might hate it, but I don’t hate spending time with you. Seriously, just drag me along wherever.” Katya replied, and Trixie found herself blushing, a smile growing on her face.  
They walked along together, and Trixie broke the cookie in half, handing half to Katya before taking a bite of her’s.  
“Y’know, I’m glad I have people to hang out with here. Like you. Because back home, it was like I didn’t even exist. I swear, I was invisible.” Trixie said, rolling her eyes.  
“Seriously? C’mon, I’m sure guys were all over you back home.” Katya asked, disbelief evident in her tone.  
“A girl like you? How were guys not throwing themselves at your feet?” She continued, and Trixie felt the blush sneak back into her cheeks again, bright red and hot, and she turned her head, hoping Katya wouldn’t notice.  
“Oh my god, stop. I dunno. I guess I just wasn’t anyone’s type. Who knows, maybe they thought I was too in love with Dolly Parton to love anyone else.” Trixie added, laughing.  
“Well, I find that hard to believe. If it makes you feel any better, I’ve never had anyone like that, either. If that wasn’t already obvious.” Katya mumbled, and Trixie quickly replied, defensive.  
“Stop that. Stop all that self-deprecation. You’re a great girl, Katya. Stop being so hard on yourself.” She ordered, glancing at the smaller girl from the corner of her eye.  
She hated the way Katya talked about herself. Because she clearly didn’t see what Trixie saw. She didn’t see the glow she radiated when she entered a room. She didn’t see the way her smile or a single word from her made Trixie feel as if she were floating. She didn’t see the way Trixie smiled, stupidly huge, every time Katya was in the room. She didn’t understand the way Trixie’s heart felt like it physically hurt when Katya talked about her past, or how she was hurt.  
Trixie just wished Katya would see herself in that light.  
“You don’t have to defend me, Trix. I’m just… I’m not a positive person. I’m not all about the self-love. That’s just not the way I work. It’s nice of you to say, but… That’s just not how it works for me.” Katya muttered, shaking her head as she crossed her arms.  
“Well, what I said is true, even if you don’t believe it. You’re funny and sweet and so smart and gorgeous and you’re just so perfect and it kills me that you don’t see it. I really wish you did, Katya.” Trixie added, surprised to find tears stinging her eyes, which she quickly blinked away.  
“God, Trix…. Thanks. Uh, that’s… Y’know, that’s really nice of you to say. Touché.” Katya mumbled, visibly uncomfortable with the compliments, turning her head away from Trixie.  
Trixie quickly decided to drop the subject, noticing an interesting store up ahead. She grabbed Katya’s hand, ignoring the butterflies in her stomach and pulled her inside.  
\--  
The next few minutes were full of Trixie excitedly rushing around the store, grabbing piles upon piles of clothes to try on, most of it pink. On brand, for her.  
Usually, Katya would hate this. She would hate standing in a store with obnoxious pop music blaring, full of overpriced clothes she couldn’t even imagine being able to afford. She would hate the bright and bubbly store clerks asking if they could help, would hate the whole experience of it all.  
But, instead, she found it hard to keep a smile off her face. Trixie was happy, and Katya was just happy to watch her. That, and she still couldn’t seem to get rid of the butterflies that had been buzzing in her stomach ever since Trixie had grabbed her hand on their way in.  
“Will you totally hate me if I go try this stuff on?” Trixie asked, snapping Katya out of her thoughts.  
“Nah, go for it.” Katya replied, tossing herself down onto the couch outside of the dressing rooms, as Trixie gave her a bright smile and slipped behind one of the curtains, piles of clothes in hand.  
Several minutes passed, Trixie trying on different pieces behind the curtain, giving commentary on each.  
“Ugh, I don’t know about this one. Like… Ugh… I don’t know. Can I… Can I get your opinion Kat?” Trixie grumbled from behind the curtain, before Katya responded.  
“Yeah. Go for it.”  
Trixie stepped out towards her, and Katya felt her breath immediately catch in her throat.  
A tight dress hugged her curves, fit perfectly to her hips. It was low cut, her breasts nearly falling out of the confines of the neckline. Her hair had been let down from its ponytail, her curls cascading over her shoulders, bouncy, tangled and messy, but so gorgeous.   
“So… What do you think?” Trixie asked, as Katya realized she’d probably been staring at her in silence for more than an appropriate amount of time.  
“Oh…. Uh…” Katya stuttered, trying to think of something to say that was complimentary, but not too over-the-top.  
“It’s gross, isn’t it? It’s like wayyy too tight for someone my size.” Trixie grumbled, looking at herself critically in the mirror.  
“No! No, it’s amazing, Trix. You look… You look gorgeous. It’s not too tight, it’s… It’s perfect. Wow. It’s perfect.” Katya replied, nervously, her eyes still glued to Trixie’s reflection in the mirror.  
“You think?” Trixie asked, her voice soft, and katya could hear both nervousness and excitement in it.  
“Yes. You should get it. You should definitely get it.” Katya replied, her voice convincing. Seeing Trixie in that dress again might just kill her, but that would be exactly how Katya would want to go.  
“Okay, okay, you convinced me. Gimme a sec to get changed.” Trixie gave in, slipping back into the dressing room and exiting again with a pile of clothes.  
“I swear, I’m fucking addicted to shopping. You’re enabling an addict, Kat. I hope you know that.” Trixie said sarcastically, as she paid for her purchases, leaving with a number of bags weighing down her arms.  
In the hours that followed, Katya trailed behind Trixie through numerous stores. Rather than feeling bored, Katya felt happier than she had in months, maybe years. Just spending time with Trixie made her feel as if she were flying. She couldn’t seem to keep her thoughts straight, and found herself stumbling over every single word. She didn’t think she’d ever been this nervous in her entire life, which was definitely saying something, seeing how anxious she was on a daily basis.  
Finally, Trixie decided she’d tortured her credit card enough for one day, and the two started to head back to the dorms.  
Katya was almost disappointed.  
The two walked along in silence for a few minutes, Trixie gazing around the streets excitedly, Katya smiling at the wonder displayed clearly in her eyes. The silence continued, until Katya felt Trixie’s hand brush against her own. The larger girl quickly stuttered an apology, but Katya couldn’t help but notice the blush forming on Trixie’s cheeks.  
Embarrassment.  
Lasting after-effects of her hangover.  
Hell, maybe just from the heat.  
Katya wouldn’t dare let herself overthink this. There was no way Trixie thought about Katya the way Katya thought about her. Katya found it hard to believe anyone could ever see her like that. There weren’t things to like about her, at least, in her own eyes.  
But, Trixie? God, there were so many things to like about her. Katya could make a list, miles and miles and miles long, of all of the things she liked about her.  
But, Trixie didn’t feel the same. She was sure of that. There was no way.  
So, she wouldn’t pursue it. Not in the way she wished she could. She’d keep it platonic. Friends was better than nothing, right?  
And sure, maybe it was pathetic, the way she followed Trixie along, smiling and gushing over her every move. But Katya didn’t have much that made her happy. And Trixie did. And she wasn’t planning to ruin the one good thing in her life.  
When they finally arrived back at their dorm, Katya found herself on her bed, staring at the ceiling, unable to fall asleep, the events of the day replaying through her mind.  
She still couldn’t get the smile off of her face. And she wasn’t even sure that she wanted to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's midterm season and i'm suffering!!! luckily, i have next week off, so i'm hoping to have some more time to write & that'll hopefully mean more frequent uploads after that!!  
> (ALSO!!! WHO ELSE CRIED OVER THE UHNHHHH REVIVAL ANNOUNCEMENT??? BECAUSE THIS GIRL DID!!!!)  
> p.s. chapter title from talk me down by (MY BOYYYY) troye sivan!!


	8. I Can Breathe (For the First Time)

A number of weeks had passed since the post-hangover shopping spree, and, much to Trixie’s delight, her and Katya had been spending much more time together ever since. Trixie had dragged her along to parties and football games, finding any excuse she could to spend time with Katya.  
Being around Katya made her nervous. In the best way possible.  
Her palms were sweaty, her heart beat hard in her chest, and she couldn’t ever seem to get words out of her mouth without stuttering and sounding like a bumbling idiot.  
But, still, she went out of her way to spend time with the smaller blonde. It was the best, most exciting type of nervous, and she valued every second she got to feel it, because that marked every second she got to spend with Katya.  
Was the infatuation a little embarrassing? Maybe.  
Did she second-guess every move she made, everything she said? Maybe.  
Did she struggle to understand her feelings, to come to terms with it all? Maybe.  
But as much trouble as she’d had accepting herself, accepting her sexuality, somehow, Katya made it easier.  
Around Katya, she didn’t feel as embarrassed to feel the way she did.  
She didn’t feel ashamed, the way she had back home, in her suffocatingly small Conservative town.  
Here, it felt just a little bit more okay. And something told her that Katya was entirely to thank for that.  
The day had been exhausting and altogether horrible. Trixie had spent the whole week studying for an exam that morning that she was sure she’d failed. Then, she’d had to sit through hours upon hours of boring lectures for the rest of the afternoon, all the while, trying not to cry over the hit she knew her grades would be taking.  
All she’d wanted to do, all day, was see Katya. She would’ve made this all better. Trixie knew she would’ve.  
As soon as she arrived back at their dorms that night, she went straight to Katya’s door, not even visiting her own room before knocking on her neighbour’s door.  
“I need to drink. And maybe cry. And I don’t want to be totally pathetic and do it alone. Wanna join me? I know you’re always in for free drinks.” Trixie rushed, as soon as Katya opened the door.  
“Yikes. Someone had a shitty day. But, yeah, you know me too well. What can I say? I’m a slut for free beer.” Katya replied, smirking slightly as she followed Trixie to her room and tossed herself down on the small bean bag chair in the corner.  
“Bless Sharon for getting us all those fake IDs. I don’t know how I’d survive without it.” Trixie said, as she grabbed drinks for the both of them, passing Katya a beer as she cracked open a can of some sort of fruity-vodka that Katya had already made her aware that she found disgusting.  
“I still don’t get how you can drink that. It’s like, liquified gummy bears.” Katya grumbled, looking up at Trixie skeptically, as Trixie took a sip.  
“And how would you know that? You’ve never even tried it!” She defended, as she sat down on her bed, kicking off her shoes and tossing her bag full of textbooks aside.  
“I just know. It’s a talent.” Katya replied, as Trixie noticed her jittering legs.  
“You can smoke, y’know. Just open a window so you don’t hotbox this place.” Trixie offered, although her heart did skip a beat at the realization. Katya was clearly jonesing for a smoke. But she came here, instead. She didn’t want to leave, to go outside. She’d, apparently, rather be here with Trixie.  
That made Trixie feel as if her chest were going to explode. She didn’t even know how to feel.  
“Thanks. I swear, I’m going through withdrawal from these damn things. I’ve been trying to quit for forever, and that sort of gets easier when you realize you’re running out and can’t blow the rest of your cash on another box. I’m trying to make this one stretch at least two days, and it’s killing me.” Katya grumbled, as she shoved the window open and sat on the windowsill.  
Trixie watched as she lit the cigarette and took a long drag. She looked peaceful like this, somehow, her eyes gently shut, holding her breath, before blowing the dark smoke out the window. Trixie barely ever felt as if Katya let her guard down, but this was one of the times that she thought, maybe, just maybe, she had.  
Trixie found herself staring, taking in every single detail of the smaller blonde sitting at her window.  
She loved so many things about her.  
Her bright eyes.  
The way she lit up when she laughed.  
The way her hair was always messy and perfect, at the same time.  
The way she exuded strength and badass-ery, despite the softness and vulnerability Trixie could see beneath it.  
She just loved every, single, tiny thing about her.  
“School kicking your ass as bad as it’s kicking mine?” Katya asked, breaking the silence and snapping Trixie out of her daydreams.  
“Huh? Oh… Uh, yeah. I bombed my theory exam this morning. Like 100%. Let’s just hope the prof saw me looking depressed as all hell and is willing to give me pity marks.” Trixie stuttered, struggling to focus back on the conversation, rather than the girl in front of her.  
“I swear, some of these profs want us to fail. It’s fucked.”  
“Totally, right? It’s like… I’m trying, dude! Help me out here. I swear, if I fail this class because of those horrible TA’s, I’m literally going to fight them. All of them.” Trixie joked, taking a swig from her drink, trying to forget about her worries from the day.  
“They’re the worst. One of them tried to convince me I was pronouncing my own fucking last name wrong. Those assholes spent a year abroad in Moscow and think they’re suddenly a walking-Russian-dictionary.” Katya grumbled, rolling her eyes as she took another drag off of her cigarette.  
“Yikes. And I thought I had it bad.” Trixie replied, laughing.  
Silence filled the space between them, and Trixie found herself, once again, daydreaming as she looked at the smaller blonde from across the room.  
“So, any plans for over Thanksgiving?” Trixie asked, trying to keep her mind from wandering again, God forbid Katya caught her creepily staring at her.  
Immediately, she regretted asking.  
“Oh, fuck… Uh, that was a stupid question, wasn’t it? Fuck. I’m sorry, Kat.” Trixie stuttered, a pang in her chest, embarrassed, interrupting before Katya got the chance to reply.  
Of course she didn’t have plans.  
Sometimes, Trixie forgot she didn’t have anyone to go home to.  
Just the thought of that made her chest ache, and her eyes sting with the threat of tears.  
“Nah, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it. I’m just hanging out around here. Sleeping. Trying to catch up on my classes. It’ll be good. You going home?” Katya replied, shrugging. She always played it off as if she didn’t care about her past or her family, but Trixie had a feeling that was all an act. There was no way someone could be totally fine, after all that. There was no way she wasn’t hurting. But, Trixie knew that asking her about it would do the exact opposite of help. She’d probably just pull away even further. And Trixie couldn’t even stand to think about her life without Katya now. She didn’t know what she’d do without her.  
“Yeah. But I swear, if I run into a single person from my high school, I’m turning around and coming straight back here. I’m excited to see my mom, but anybody else? No thank you.” Trixie mumbled, sighing heavily.  
“Really that bad, huh?” Katya asked.  
“God, you don’t even know.” Trixie replied, shaking her head.  
“I still find it hard to believe that. I mean, not even just friends. How was a girl like you not in a relationship back home? Aren’t you, like, the epitome of what every country kid dreams of in a girlfriend?” Katya asked, as Trixie’s heart fluttered excitedly at the compliment.  
And before she could even think about what she was saying, the words flew out of her mouth.  
“I dunno. Not many lesbians stick around back where I’m from.”  
Trixie found herself in stunned silence after she spoke.  
She had no idea where that had come from. It wasn’t like she’d been planning to come out, for the first time, ever, that night. The words had sort of just slipped out.  
“Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.” She whispered, her eyes wide with nervousness, focused on the ground before her.  
She didn’t want to look up.  
She didn’t want to see the look on Katya’s face.  
She didn’t want to accept that she’d, maybe, just ruined everything.  
She felt tears stinging her eyes, and she pressed the heels of her palms into them, willing herself not to make the situation anymore embarrassing.  
“Are you… You’re a….” Katya stuttered, her voice barely a whisper, as Trixie squeezed her eyes shut.  
“Don’t make me say it. Please, just don’t. It’s… It’s so fucking…. I don’t…. I haven’t ever… Oh, fuck, I don’t know what I’m doing. I didn’t mean to… If you’re, y’know… If you’re freaked out, you can just go. It’s cool. I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I…” Trixie stuttered, tears slipping freely from her eyes now.  
She’d never admitted it out loud before.  
And now that she had, it was suddenly all so terrifying.  
“I’m a lesbian.” She whispered, her voice just barely audible.  
“If that freaks you out… If you don’t, like, want to hang out anymore, if it makes you feel weird, then, like, y’know, it’s okay. I get it. It’s not… I wish it wasn’t like this, sometimes, but…” Trixie said, stumbling over her words, now even more embarrassed.  
She’d never felt secure in her sexuality. She’d never felt normal. And now, it just all suddenly felt so much worse. Because she was sure she’d just ruined the one good thing she had. She was going to lose Katya. She was going to think she was creepy and gross and wrong and hitting on her, which, granted, maybe she was, but, still. It was excruciating to think about her just walking straight out of her life.   
“It doesn’t freak me out. At all, actually.” Katya replied, and Trixie suddenly felt some of the heavy weight lift from her shoulders.  
“Uh… I am too. I’m gay. I’m a lesbian.” Katya muttered, snuffing out her cigarette as she looked over at Trixie.  
“Y’know, it’s not an inherently bad thing, right? Like, it’s okay.” Katya added, after a long silence.  
“Yeah. Yeah, uh, I guess…” Trixie mumbled, as she looked up at Katya, mascara smudged in tear stains down her cheeks, her eyes red and puffy.  
“You were a churchy kid, weren’t you?” Katya asked, as she slowly got up from her spot at the windowsill and instead sat down on the bed next to Trixie.  
“Yeah. I just… I’ve always been told that He didn’t want… People like us. That it wasn’t what He created, wasn’t part of His plan. I don’t know how many nights I stayed up praying that He would fix this. Fix me. I’d sit in church every week and beg Him to fix me. Beg Him to make me understand, to make me… Normal? I guess? It never worked.” Trixie mumbled, tears still slipping from her eyes.  
This was terrifying for her.  
The word “gay” was never even breathed back home in her small town.  
But Katya made her feel like she could talk about it. Like she was safe here, to talk about it.  
She’d never, ever felt that way before.  
“People twist the Bible all the time, y’know. And if you believe in Him, so hard, like you do… You just gotta know that he made you right, y’know? What do people say? God doesn’t make mistakes? He didn’t need to fix you, Trix. You’re not broken.” Katya replied, and the new-found, foreign gentleness in her voice calmed Trixie, ever so slightly.  
“I guess. It’s just… It’s hard. I’ve never told anyone before, and now it’s like… Someone knows. It’s not just my own, scary thing anymore. And I’m trying to prove to Him that I’m worth it, y’know? Like, maybe, if this is all wrong, I can do right by Him some other way. I dunno. I hope He wants me like this. I hope this is what He planned.” Trixie continued, noticing her hands shaking as they sat in her lap.  
“He does. I know He does. And I mean, shit, I don’t know anything about religion. But I know that’s true. There are churches around here, Trix. That let people like us in, with open arms. They know He made you right. You should go see them, sometime. They could help. But, uh… I know it’s hard. It’s probably always gonna be hard.” Katya offered, as Trixie nodded slowly. She felt Katya’s arm gently wrap around her shoulders, and, somewhat nervously, she lied her head on the smaller girl’s shoulder.  
“I’m not, like, ashamed of it. It just scares me, y’know?” She asked, nervously, answered quickly by a nod from Katya.  
“I hear that. Loud and clear. It’s the only thing that’s ever really scared me like this. I tried to deny it, for a long time. I didn’t really want to accept it. But i did. And everything’s turning out okay.” Katya continued. Trixie had never heard her sound like this. Calm. Reassuring. Her voice was strong with conviction, trying hard to convince Trixie, and, Trixie had a feeling, herself, too.  
“I feel like, I dunno… Like, maybe it’s easier here? Like, the whole city isn’t going to hate me, like they would back home. I mean, every gay kid I ever knew back home got kicked out or fucking ran the first chance they got. I don’t think my mom would care. I guess I don’t really know. It’s not something we ever talked about. I just… I hope she wouldn’t care, y’know? I can’t imagine not calling her everyday or not ever seeing her again… I just hope she’d be okay with it. Nobody else would be. Where I’m from it’s... It’s just not a good place for… For people like us.” Trixie continued, the last sentence taking more out of her than she’d expected. It was still hard to say out loud. To admit that she was a part of that group.  
“Yeah, it’ll be better here. There’s still shitty people here, too, obviously, but… It’s not so bad.” Katya agreed, as Trixie sniffled.  
“It’s like… Sharon and Alaska are so happy here. And nobody tries to stop them. Nobody cares. Back where I’m from? They’d never be able to do that. Never. Somebody would probably beat the shit out of them. Nobody would talk to them. But, here… Here, it’s better. Here, it’s okay.” Trixie added, her voice stronger and more sure, for the first time in the conversation.  
“Yeah. It’ll be better here, for you, too. I’m not the kind of person to, y’know, like, go public with this, but I could, if I wanted to. And it would be fine. You could, if you want to. It’s safer, here. Better.” Katya replied, as Trixie nodded.  
“So, I get the vibe that asking you if you’d go to next week’s GSA meeting with me would be a pointless question?” Trixie asked, after a long silence, eliciting a half-hearted laugh from Katya.  
“And you’d be right. Not really my scene. But don’t let me stop you.” Katya replied, as Trixie swung herself down off the bed and walked over to the mini-fridge across the room.  
“I think we both deserve another drink.” She explained, laughing, wiping the tears from her eyes as she grabbed two beers from inside and tossed one to Katya.  
“You can say that again.” Katya grumbled in response, taking a swig from the bottle in her hand.  
“Thanks, uh… By the way. I’ve never talked about that before, with anyone, and you… You made it a lot easier. You made me feel kind of okay with it, and I’ve never felt like that before.” Trixie said, her voice soft but strong with conviction.  
“Don’t get all emotional on me again, Trix. If it makes you feel any better, I’ve never really, either. It’s… It’s kinda nice to be able to talk about it with someone. I dunno.” Katya mumbled in response, shrugging.  
“Yeah… Can we, uh… Can we change the subject? I’ve cried enough already, and it’s all still kind of a lot, y’know?” Trixie asked nervously, as she raised her head to look Katya in the eyes.  
This was all so new and terrifying, but also amazing and exciting at the same time.  
Because she hadn’t scared Katya away. In fact, she had a feeling that this had only brought them closer.  
That, and the thought that, maybe, something could be possible between them lingered in the back of her mind, filling Trixie with a nervous sort of buzzing energy. She didn’t know exactly what to say or do, but she was just grateful to have Katya in her life. She wasn’t sure how much longer she could’ve kept this bottled up for, anyways.  
“Yeah, yeah, of course…. Tell me about that horrible exam so I feel a little bit better about my own classes.” Katya replied, smirking, as Trixie rolled her eyes, smacking the smaller girl’s arm.  
“Asshole. You could at least give me some pity.” She replied, laughing.  
“Nah, no way. I don’t do pity. But I specialize in standoffish comments and sarcasm, so if either of those interest you…” Katya replied, shrugging, prompting another laugh from Trixie.  
“God, what would I do without you and your standoffish comments and sarcasm?” She replied, and Katya was quick to respond.  
“Crash and burn, princess. Crash and burn.”  
And in that moment, looking at Katya, seeing the light burning in her eyes, the bright popping of lipstick on her smirking lips, and feeling as if her heart might explode from beating so fast, Trixie knew that was true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okok i know this is the slowest slow burn in all of existence, but just wait until next chapter...  
> p.s. chapter title from Young by Ruth B.


	9. Been Looking for Something (I Finally Found It, Right Here)

The next few weeks came and went without much excitement, and Katya still couldn’t seem to get her mind off of Trixie. Of how she felt when she made Trixie laugh. About how right Trixie’s head had felt lied on her shoulder. About how she was even more nervous and shaky than usual anytime they were together.  
It was more than just some stupid crush.  
She knew that, now.  
It was nearly 10 that night when she heard a knock on her door, revealing a beaming Trixie, wine cooler in hand, tight tank top and jeans hugging her curves.  
“Katya! Good, you’re here! You’re coming out with us tonight.” Trixie said, leaving no room for questions or argument.  
“Oh. Uh… Okay. Okay, yeah, sure. Where? And who’s we?” Katya gave in, knowing that arguing with Trixie was pointless, and also knowing that she didn’t really want to argue, anyways. She’d use any excuse she could to spend time with Trixie.  
“Some shitty club a few streets over. It might suck, who knows, but anything is fun when you have a fake ID and can get wasted. Sharon and Alaska invited me and I don’t want to hardcore third-wheel. Plus, I know from experience that you take good care of drunk me. So… We’re gonna leave in like five. And you’re coming with us. Get changed, get ready to get wasted and meet us in the hallway.” She replied, leaving and shutting the door behind her before Katya could even stutter out a response.  
Five minutes later found the four girls in hallway, and after a short walk, they were at the club. As soon as they passed their IDs to the bouncer and made it inside, Trixie made a beeline for the bar, dragging Katya after her.  
This definitely wasn’t Katya’s scene.  
Bad pop music blared from the speakers, barely clothed twenty-something-year-olds grinded up against each other on the dance floor, and the whole place had a horrible smell of sweat and alcohol.  
But, there wasn’t anywhere else she’d rather be.  
One glance at Trixie made her sure of that.  
Trixie was a few drinks in before Katya even finished her first. And she was definitely a lightweight.  
“You’re so pretty Kat. You’re pretty and cool and Russian and you have really cool eyes. Did you know that? Your eyes are so frickin’ cool.” Trixie slurred, her chin rested on her hand as the two sat at the bar. Her face was so close to Katya’s that Katya felt as if she couldn’t breathe.  
“You’re not too bad yourself, Barbie.” Katya replied, smirking slightly as Trixie’s face lit up once again in a bright smile.  
“I love it when you call me that. It makes me feel pretty. No one’s ever made me feel pretty before.” Trixie continued, grabbing Katya’s hand and lazily intertwining their fingers, staring into Katya’s eyes, making her feel as if she might explode. Quickly, Katya downed another drink. Three and counting.  
“You are pretty, Trix.”  
“I know. But you make me feel pretty.” She continued, as Katya laughed, rolling her eyes.  
“Drunk you is extra confident, huh?”  
“Yep! But drunk me also wants to tell you how freakin’ beautiful you are. You’re so beautiful, Kat.” Trixie gushed, as Katya felt her cheeks blush bright red.  
“Yeah, yeah, okay.” Katya deflected, embarrassed, but also excited. She didn’t know what this meant. She didn’t know if this was just the alcohol in both of their systems talking. But at that moment, she didn’t exactly care.  
“Aw, you’re blushing. Do I make you nervous, Katya?” Trixie asked, giggling, as she lazily spun a strand of Katya’s hair around her finger, smiling softly at the shorter girl.  
“Pretty girls always make me nervous. And you make me feel like my heart is going to beat right out of my chest, so, yeah, you do make me a little nervous.” Katya replied, taking another drink, giving her the courage to look up into Trixie’s eyes.  
“Drunk you is so fuckin’ flirty.” Trixie replied, and for the first time, Katya found her voice sounding shaky. Nervous. excited.   
“Yeah? Well I could say the same about drunk you.”   
“Mhmm. And drunk me also wants to dance. Right. Now.” Trixie added, tugging on Katya’s hand as she stumbled slightly to stand up.  
“Oh my god, no. No way. You know how I feel about dancing. No way.”  
“Oh, c’monnnnn! It’s Britney Spears! It’s like, a universal rule; when Britney plays, you have to dance.” She continued, pouting slightly, as Katya laughed.  
“That’s a rule, huh? Who wrote this rule book?” She rebuttled, but still slowly, reluctantly, stood up.  
“I dunno. Someone smart.” Trixie defended, as Katya quickly drank another bottle down, hoping for some boost of confidence as Trixie pulled her out into the crowd.  
“Hey! Hey, Trix! Uh… We’re gonna head out. You guys good to head back on your own later?” A familiar voice asked from behind them, as Trixie turned to see Alaska, drunk-giggling, Sharon’s face pressed to her neck, her hand nearly all the way up Alaska’s already skin-tight dress. If Trixie and Katya were drunk, Alaska and Sharon were wasted.  
“Yeah! Have fun.” Trixie replied, laughing as she winked at Alaska, who immediately stumbled off towards the door with Sharon.  
“Sometimes I wish I was like them.” Trixie said suddenly, watching as the two left.  
“Like what? Like two seconds away from fucking in public?” Katya asked, laughing.  
“Noooo. Like being happy with… With that. Not being scared of it.” Trixie replied, her voice hesitant.  
“You could be. No one’s stopping you.” Katya responded, and Trixie looked straight up into her eyes.  
Silence fell between the two, the loud music pumping through the club filling their ears. Katya’s eyes were glued to Trixie’s, nervousness and excitement both burning in her chest.  
An unfamiliar look came into Trixie’s eyes.  
A burning, confident, striking stare, straight in Katya’s.  
It terrified her.  
She liked it.  
“You’re right… Not in here. Not now.” Trixie replied, a smirk falling upon her lips that made Katya feel as if she might just fall apart.  
And maybe it was the alcohol talking.  
Maybe it was the atmosphere, the carefree, fun, club blaring around them.  
Maybe it was Katya, and the way that she made Trixie’s mind foggy, made her feel like someone entirely new.  
Whatever it was, Trixie didn’t care.  
All that she cared about was that this might finally be her chance.  
“Here, I could do… this.” Trixie muttered, her lips pressed nearly against Katya’s ear to make herself heard over the large crowd. At her words, her hands met Katya’s hips, pulling her closer, the two of them nearly pressed up against one another. Katya felt a shiver overtake her whole body, her eyes boldly coming up to look straight into Trixie’s once again.  
Katya had never felt so scared, overwhelmed, excited and nervous, all at once.  
“Or… This.” Trixie added, one hand coming up to brush a stray piece of hair from Katya’s face, her hand coming to rest on the smaller girl’s cheek.  
Nervous, unsure, Katya draped her arms around Trixie’s shoulders, her hands tangling in her big, bouncy curls.  
“What else could you do, Trix?” She whispered, surprised, even at herself.  
The two girls’ eyes stayed locked, excitement and nervousness burning brightly in both of them.  
Before Katya could even think, even breathe, Trixie spoke.  
“This.” Trixie whispered, her breath hot against Katya’s lips, their faces nearly touching.  
Katya’s whole body felt like it was on fire. The world around them froze. Nothing else mattered. Nothing else would matter for the rest of her life, she decided. Only Trixie. Trixie, forever.  
She could just stay here forever. Just stay frozen, Trixie’s arms around her, Trixie’s eyes staring into her own, with a look that made Katya feel as if she might melt.  
Katya noticed herself shaking. Was it nervousness? Excitement? Maybe both, she decided. Probably both.  
Because this was the most terrifying thing she’d ever done. But it was also the best thing she’d ever done. Looking into Trixie’s eyes made that clear in a heartbeat.  
Trixie quickly closed the distance between them.  
Her lips met Katya’s quickly, hungrily. She pulled the smaller girl tighter against her, quickly, almost desperate, both hands held tightly on her hips. Katya could hear small sounds coming from Trixie’s lips, quiet moans, as she pressed them against Katya’s again and again.  
Katya had never felt so right in her entire life.  
As soon as Trixie pulled her lips away, Katya’s hand found the back of her neck and pulled her back in.  
She’d waited so long for this.  
Dreamt so many nights of exactly this.  
And now, she never wanted to stop.  
She wanted to just stand here, kissing Trixie for the rest of her life.  
“Don’t stop. Don’t fucking stop.” Trixie huffed when Katya finally pulled her lips away.  
She didn’t need to ask twice.  
Katya slammed their lips together again, Trixie’s pink lipstick and Katya’s red smearing and mixing on both of the girls’ lips.  
Her hands came to rest on Trixie’s lower back, pulling her even closer, feeling a small gasp escape Trixie’s lips as she did.  
“Fuck, Kat. Holy fuck.” Trixie muttered between kisses, both girls barely able to catch their breath every time their lips separated, before one of them quickly pressed them together again.  
“о боже.” Katya breathed, barely audible, as their lips finally parted, remaining that way for the first time.  
“Ангел.”  
“Speak Russian to me.” Trixie muttered, giggling, as her lips trailed across Katya’s chin, her eyelashes dancing softly against her skin, prompting a shiver from the smaller girl.  
“Ангел. Красивая Ангел. Солнышко. Ангел.” Katya whispered, each word punctuated by another kiss, as she gently took Trixie’s chin in her hand, pulling her face up level with her own, again.  
“It’s like you’re trying to ruin my life.” Trixie whispered in her ear.  
“Maybe I am. Taking my revenge for you doing the same to me.” Katya replied, her hand coming to rest on the small of Trixie’s back, pulling her in even closer in the tight crowd.  
“God, Katya… You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to do that for.” Trixie breathed, a huge smile coming to rest on her lips, prompting a rare smile in return from Katya.  
“Oh, I think I do. I’ve been waiting just as long.”  
“Can we just do this for the rest of our lives?”  
“I wouldn’t say no…”  
Trixie quickly pressed their lips together again, and Katya could feel her smiling against her own.  
Nothing had ever felt like this before.  
Nothing had ever felt this right.  
\--  
They didn’t leave the club until nearly 4 am. The walk back took ten times longer than it should’ve, both girls drunkenly stumbling the entire way, each pulling the other into any available alley along the way, prompting more heated makeouts.  
When they finally arrived back at the dorm, their hands were still tightly interlocked.  
“I don’t want to go. I want to stay. With you.” Trixie whispered, as the two stood in the hallway before their rooms.  
“Then don’t. Don’t go.” Katya whispered, pressing a light kiss to Trixies cheek, prompting a bright blush from the taller girl.  
Quickly, Katya fumbled open the door, Trixie’s arms already around her, before they’d even shut it behind them.  
They stumbled across the room, bodies pressed tightly together, before falling onto the mattress, Trixie’s arms wrapped tightly around Katya.  
“Tonight was the best thing that’s ever fucking happened to me. Ever.” Trixie muttered, as Katya ran her hands through Trixie’s curls, smiling softly up at her.  
“Touché, Barbie.” She replied, prompting a smile to appear on Trixie’s lips, her eyes softly shut.  
“Kiss me again.” Trixie whispered, and Katya quickly obliged. Her lips trailed softly, over Trixie’s, who softly kissed her back, a tired smile on her lips.  
Softly, Katya brushed her thumb over Trixie’s cheek, tracing the freckles, counting each one, pressing a kiss to Trixie’s lips to mark each number.  
“You’re so beautiful, Trixie.” Katya whispered, her voice softer and gentler than Trixie had ever heard it.  
“So are you. You’re so beautiful, Katya. I feel so fucking lucky.” Trixie replied, moving to rest her head against Katya’s shoulder, their bodies pressed tightly together on the small twin bed.  
Katya gently wrapped her arms around Trixie’s shoulders, prompting the larger girl to only relax into her more.  
Katya could feel Trixie’s breath, soft, warm against her collarbone.  
It wasn’t long before her quiet snores came along to accompany it.  
Katya fell asleep not soon after, a smile softly painted on her lips.  
She’d never felt this happy. This was exactly where she needed to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my goD okay i'm so so so so sorry for the million year hiatus. pre-med undergrad hits u hard ladies!!!! buT i finally got around to writing this, and i hope it was worth the wait! the semester is over soon, and i've got tons of muse, so (hopefully) expect more regular updates to come soon!  
> (p.s. title is from "poetry'" by Wrabel)  
> (p.p.s. Russian translations:  
> о боже - oh my god  
> aнгел - angel  
> Красивая - beautiful  
> Солнышко - sunlight/sunshine, aka its a soft russian term of endearment and i love it a lot aw)


	10. I Don't Have It Figured Out (But We Could Be Beautiful)

Trixie’s eyes opened slowly, squinting into the sunlight pouring in through the window. A quick half-asleep glance at the girl lying next to her quickly brought reality crashing back down. She immediately remembered the events of the night before, a sharp intake of breath filling her lungs.  
She shot up out of the bed quickly, tripping on the sheets, nearly knocking over everything in her path as she stumbled across the other girl’s room.  
“Trixie? Wh- Oh my god. Oh my god, last night.... I- Trixie, I-.” Katya muttered, sitting up slowly, a sleepy smile on her face as the memory of the previous night came back into blurry, fuzzy detail.  
“Fuck. Fuck, Katya. What the fuck did we do? What did I do?” Trixie asked, her words frantic and panicked, causing the smile to immediately fall off Katya’s face.  
“Wh- You kissed me. We got drunk and you kissed me, and fuck, Trixie… Can we just do that for the rest of our lives? I mean-” Katya explained, unable to stop herself from smiling again.  
“No, no, I-. I know what we did. I just don’t know why. Why I did it. I don’t…” Trixie continued, running her hands over her face, her voice shaky, sounding as if it might break at any moment.  
“Y-you don’t… Y’know, like, we were drunk. I… If you didn’t mean anything by it, it’s fine. Really, it’s cool.” Katya explained, although it was anything but. Her eyes were lowered, embarrassed, afraid she’d ruined it all. Terrified she’d taken it too far, and ruined the one good thing she had.  
If last night was just a one-time, drunk thing, Katya wasn’t sure how she’d survive.  
“I have to go. I-I’m sorry, I don’t… I have to go, Katya.” Trixie muttered, her voice now barely above a whisper as she headed towards the door. Katya felt a pang in her chest as she noticed the tears burning in Trixie’s eyes.  
“Where? You’re freaking me out, Trix.” Katya asked, and was surprised to find her own voice shaky.  
“I don’t know. A walk. A church. I don’t know.” Trixie replied, her words hurried and frantic as she finally reached the door.  
“I could come with you?” Katya asked, quietly, afraid and unsure of what was happening.  
“No… No, I don’t think you should. I just… I’m sorry, Kat. I’m really sorry. I just… I have to go. I’m sorry.” Trixie repeated, again, shooting a regretful look in Katya’s direction before quickly stepping through the door and shutting it behind her.  
Before she even realized what was happening, Katya felt tears splashing down onto her knees, as she held her head in her hands.  
She never cried.  
But she’d also never felt this afraid, or embarrassed, or hurt.  
She’d ruined everything.  
She should’ve known she was going to. She always did.  
\--  
The church was empty. Silent. Trixie sat in one of the pews, hands clasped, her head resting on them. Shaky breaths heaved from her chest, tears making streaks through yesterday’s makeup.  
She didn’t know what she was doing. Here, or with Katya. Or with herself, for that matter.  
Everything had felt so right. She’d never felt like that before. She’d never felt that sort of reality, that sort of true self. She’d been more her last night than she’d ever been in her entire life.  
So, then why did it feel so wrong?  
She knew the answer to that.  
Her small, uptight hometown.  
The casual, hateful comments thrown around at grade 12 lunches in the cafeteria.  
The nonchalant use of slurs from the football players.  
The boy she’d seen, bloodied and beaten up, back in grade 9, the very day he’d come out.  
Trixie knew why this felt wrong.  
Because it was terrifying.  
And because she had to figure it out alone, and she’d never really been alone before.  
This wasn’t something she could call her mom and ask for advice about, like she did for everything else.  
And then, of course, there was God.  
She still couldn’t figure out what He was trying to do.  
Trixie could remember weeks of sleepless nights in high school, sitting alone in her bedroom, crying and confused.  
Because she knew this was real. She knew who she was.  
She just didn’t know if it was okay. Accepted. Allowed.  
She’d finally accepted that it probably wasn’t. Years of the priest at her small, country-town church and his constant reminders of how marriage was sacred, was a man and a woman, was what God made us all to be, made her understand. Something about her was wrong. She was disappointing everyone. She needed to fix this. Fix herself. She needed to be what God wanted. Because, this definitely wasn’t what He wanted.  
But, now she wasn’t so sure. Because now, it felt so right. So real.  
She wasn’t sure she could just stuff this down anymore.  
She wasn’t even sure that she wanted to.  
Maybe, she’d been wrong.  
Maybe everyone back home had been wrong.  
Katya’s words, spoken weeks ago now, still rang fresh and clear in her mind.  
“You just gotta know that He made you right.  
He didn’t need to fix you, Trix.  
You’re not broken.”  
Tears welled up again in Trixie’s eyes at the thought, as she finally looked up, staring at something in the far distance.  
She did have a point.  
God wasn’t supposed to make mistakes.  
Maybe this was what He wanted, after all.  
Maybe everybody was wrong, back home.  
She sure as hell hoped they were.  
And she sure as hell didn’t feel broken.  
She’d never felt more whole, more complete, in her entire life.  
\--  
Trixie spent the whole day in the pew. Thinking. Crying. Praying.  
Hours passed quickly, as she searched for an answer.  
An old Bible, pulled from its place in the pew in front of her, sat open on her lap, as she searched for something, anything. She needed an answer. And she knew what answer she wanted.  
She wanted an answer that would let her be happy. Be her. Be with Katya. Because Katya felt more like a godsend than anything else in her life ever had.  
Katya was the kind of perfect that only God could’ve figured out and put into Trixie’s life, Trixie thought.  
He knew, right?  
He had a plan.  
And if everything was part of His plan, then last night was, too. Katya was. Trixie, being who she truly was, was. The way she felt with Katya was. Everything was. It had to be.  
It only took a full day in the cold, empty church for her to figure it out. But Trixie wouldn’t have asked for any less.  
Because now, she was pretty sure she had it figured out.  
She sat through the evening mass before finally getting up to go home. Strangers in the aisles noticed her tearstained face, offering smiles, asking her if she was alright.  
She felt right here.  
Everything about New York felt right to Trixie. So much more right than back home.  
Trixie left for the dorm with a smile on her face, and the hopeless, empty feeling in her chest from that morning gone.  
Her eye caught the flicking of in the corner of her vision.  
A pride flag.  
Proudly displayed, from the top of one of the church’s turrets.  
She felt tears well up in her eyes again, but this time they came with a smile.  
These weren’t the hopeless, scared, confused tears she’d been crying all day.  
These came with knowing. With feeling whole. With maybe, finally understanding. With accepting herself, finally, after so many years of pain.  
This wasn’t wrong, if it felt so right. Trixie was tired of lying to everyone. Lying even to herself. This was who she was. And she was done with feeling ashamed of it.  
And, sure, maybe there wasn’t an explicit ‘gay is okay’ verse in the Bible. But, this church, the preaching of love and acceptance that had made Trixie cry throughout the service, was enough to prove that to her, anyways.  
Katya made her happy. Happier than anyone or anything ever had. And she deserved to be happy.  
God had a plan.  
Trixie trusted Him with that. She trusted that he was leading her in the right direction. She’d put her faith in him for 18 years now. She just needed to keep trusting Him. He wouldn’t lead her wrong. He wouldn’t have let last night happen if this was so wrong. Hell, Trixie doubted He’d have even let Katya walk into her life if this was so wrong. Because Trixie knew Katya was here for a reason. God put her in her life for a reason. And she wasn’t going to question that now.  
She just worried she’d ruined it by running out that morning.  
But, Katya would understand, right?  
Trixie hoped she would.  
Finally, Trixie reached the dorm building, trying to wipe away the last of her tears as she headed up the stairs.  
“Woah, girl, you okay? You look like you’ve been crying for like 12 years.” A familiar voice asked, as Trixie noticed Alaska and Sharon, hand in hand, walking towards her.  
She couldn’t help but smile at the sight.  
Maybe that could be her and Katya one day.  
Happy. Proud. Unashamed.  
She hoped it would be.  
“Yeah, yeah, I’m good. Thanks, ‘Laska.” Trixie replied, laughing awkwardly.  
“Boy trouble?”  
“Yeah, something like that.” Trixie replied, laughing to herself.  
She’d tell them, soon. But not now. She’d talk to Katya first. She’d finish figuring this out. She’d come out, fully, soon. When she was ready. And although she was close, she wasn’t there just yet.  
“Well, I’m always here for you, babe. I might not know shit about boy troubles, but I have a fridge full of wine coolers and a great shoulder to cry on.” Alaska replied, squeezing her hand as the two passed by.  
“Yeah. Thanks.”  
“You and Kat have fun last night?” Sharon asked, and Trixie had to try to repress a smile. Her feelings about that evening had drastically changed since this morning, and now the mere thought of last night’s events made her heart feel as if it might explode.  
“Oh, totally. Who doesn’t love drunk dancing to Britney all night?” Trixie asked, and Sharon was quick with her sarcastic reply.  
“Me.”  
“Yeah, well, this freak would rather listen to that shitty screamo she’s so obsessed with, so just ignore her opinion.” Alaska replied, both girls rolling their eyes, as Sharon wrapped an arm around her girlfriend’s waist.  
“Glad you had fun though, babe. Come with us again next week? And bring the angsty Russian along?” Alaska added, and Trixie quickly nodded in response.  
“Definitely.”  
“Perfect. See you later, girl.” Alaska replied, as the three waved their goodbyes, Trixie now just outside of Katya’s door.  
She didn’t think it was possible to be this nervous or this excited, all at once.  
Because, maybe she’d ruined things between them now.  
Maybe Katya wanted absolutely nothing to do with her.  
Maybe this was over, before it had barely even started.  
But, Trixie tried to think on the bright side.  
Maybe Katya would understand.  
Maybe they could figure this out.  
Maybe this could turn into something amazing.  
But, Trixie would never find out until she went back in and talked to her.  
So, taking a deep breath, hoping and praying for the best, she reached out and knocked on Katya’s door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so i know i jussttttt posted the last chapter but i've got tons of muse right now, so i wanted to shoot this one out right away too! hope you guys enjoy!  
> (p.s. i promise the angst will be short-lived. i know everyone's excited for the fluff, and trust me, i am too!!!)  
> (p.p.s chapter title from "We Could Be Beautiful" by Wrabel)


	11. Known It From The Moment That We Met

“Katya? Katya, can we talk?” Trixie stood outside Katya’s room, calling through the door.  
“I-I fucked up, leaving this morning. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Kat. I-” She continued, but was quickly interrupted when Katya suddenly opened the door.  
She looked how Trixie felt.  
Last night’s mascara was smudged in obvious tear streaks down her cheeks. Her eyes were red and puffy, avoiding Trixie’s, her hands shoved in the pockets of her hoodie.  
She’d been crying. Trixie’s heart hurt at the thought. She’d been crying, and it was Trixie’s fault.  
“Trixie, don’t. You don’t have to… It’s fine. We were drunk. I shouldn’t have… I-” Katya stuttered, and Trixie could hear the shaking in her voice.  
“No, Katya, no. It’s not… You didn’t do anything wrong. I just… Can I come in? Can we talk? Please?” Trixie asked, finally catching Katya’s gaze. Slowly, Katya nodded, and Trixie followed her into the room.  
Silence filled the space between them, hanging heavily.  
Trixie took a deep breath.  
“I didn’t leave because of you. Or us. Or anything that happened last night. Because, honestly? Katya, last night was the best night of my life. Last night, I was me. Like, really me. For the first time. You made me so happy. I kissed you and it felt so fucking good, Kat. You made be so, so, so happy.” Trixie explained, nervously meeting Katya’s eyes, trying to determine how she was going to react.  
“Y-You… You don’t regret it?” She asked, sitting on the edge of her bed, legs dangling off the end. Trixie had never really realized just how small she was. It made her even cuter.  
“Oh my God, no! Definitely not! The opposite, actually. Why? Do you?” Trixie asked, eyes wide, panicky.  
“No, no, I just… I thought you did. I dunno.” Katya mumbled, as Trixie frowned.  
“Why?”  
“You ran out of here like the building was on fire, Trix.” Katya muttered, shaking her head, a dejected sort of laugh slipping from her lips.  
“I… I know. I’m sorry. I’m just… I’m still trying to figure this out. Me. Being… Being like this.”  
“Gay? A lesbian? They’re not bad words, Trixie.” Katya replied, as Trixie sighed nervously. Slowly, she sat down next to her.  
“Yeah, I know. But… Yeah. Yeah, figuring that out. Being gay. Being a lesbian. I, uh… I sat in that church down the street all day. The one we had back home really fucked me up, I think. But this one seems better. I didn’t feel wrong there. I always felt wrong at home.” She explained, shakiness audible in her voice, as she avoided Katya’s eyes.  
“You went because you felt wrong? After last night?” Katya asked, and Trixie could hear the panic slipping into her voice once again. Quickly, she explained.  
“No. God, no. I felt so right. For the first time, I think. And that kind of scared me, because I thought I wasn’t supposed to. But, now… Now I think, maybe, I have it figured it out. I kind of know I do. I just… I’m sorry. About running. About being scared.”  
“Don’t be sorry, Trix.”  
“It wasn’t because of you. I really want you to know that. And I’m sorry.” Trixie said, trying her best to convince her.  
“I know. And I wish you didn’t feel like that. I wish there wasn’t anything you had to figure out. I wish I could make you see how right, how perfect you are. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. You don’t need fixing. You’re perfect just like you are.” Katya said, her voice soft.  
Silently, she put her hand gently on top of Trixie’s, interlocking their fingers.  
“I know. I think I know that now.” Trixie said, her voice barely a whisper, quivering as she spoke.  
“It’s just hard. But it’s easier, when I’m with you. You make me feel like I’m floating, Katya. It’s hard to breathe around you, sometimes, and I like it. It kind of scares me.” She continued, her voice sounding slightly stronger.  
“It shouldn’t scare you. If it makes you happy, it shouldn’t scare you.”  
“I know. And it does make me happy. You make me so happy, Kat. Like nothing else ever has.”  
“Right back at you, Trix.” Katya replied with a small smirk.  
“I think if God didn’t want this.. He wouldn’t have put you in my life. And He’s not supposed to screw up, right? I think I trust Him with that. If He’s making this happen, he’s doing it for a reason… Right?” Trixie replied, looking nervously up at Katya, hoping for some sort of confirmation.  
“Right, Trixie. Exactly.” Katya quickly replied, as Trixie smiled softly. Silence filled the space between them for a few moments, before Trixie took a deep breath and spoke up.  
“Okay, so… Hypothetically… If I were to ask you to go out with me tomorrow, to like a coffee shop, or something… What would you say?”  
“Hypothetically? I’d say yes.” Katya replied, smirking slightly.  
“Okay, what if it wasn’t hypothetical?”  
“Oh my God, Trix. Yes. It would still be yes.”  
“Okay. Okay! Yay!” Trixie exclaimed, pressing a soft kiss to Katya’s cheek, lying her head on the shorter blonde’s shoulder.  
Katya was smiling, Trixie noticed. Bright. More genuine than she’d ever seen from her.  
“You’re so cute. What the fuck. You’re so cute.” Katya muttered, and Trixie, looking up, was quick to press their lips together. Immediately, she was reminded of just why last night was so perfect.  
After a few seconds, Trixie pulled her face away slightly, resting her forehead against Katya’s. Quietly, just above a whisper, she spoke.  
“I think I’m falling for you, Kat. Actually, I think I started a long time ago. Like, probably the day we met. You make me feel like nobody else ever has. You make me nervous and happy and excited and scared, all at once. I don’t want last night to be a one time thing. Because last night was honestly the best thing that’s happened to me. Ever. Because you’re so beautiful. I literally thought I was dreaming, last night. I couldn’t believe it. I was kissing you. You, Katya. The most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. I just… I can’t believe it. I still can’t.” She gushed, pulling her face slightly further away, brushing a stray piece of hair behind Katya’s ear, smiling softly.  
“God, you’re so beautiful Kat.” She whispered. Katya quickly looked away.  
“Trixie, don’t…” She muttered, suddenly desperately avoiding Trixie’s eyes.  
“No. You’re so beautiful.”  
“No. I’m not.”  
“Hey. Don’t. Don’t ever say that.” Trixie said softly, pained, as she gently took Katya’s chin in her hand, pulling her face back towards her. Katya laughed, dejectedly, and looked away, and Trixie’s hands quickly fell away from her face.  
“Y’know, when you left this morning? I thought it was because you came to your senses. Because why would a girl like you ever want me? Right? I don’t get it. I don’t get why you want me.” Katya muttered, and Trixie could hear the anxiety creeping into her tone.  
“Kat… Katya. Look at me.” Trixie waited a moment, before taking things into her own hands. She climbed down off the bed, kneeling in front of Katya, instead. She quickly took her hands in her own, looking up into her eyes, quickly noticing the tears burning in them.  
“You’re beautiful. I don’t know why you don’t believe it. You’re the most amazing, beautiful, perfect girl I’ve ever met. I’ve never met anyone like you, Katya, and I don’t think I ever will. You’re better than anyone I’ve ever known. You’re beautiful, and smart, and strong, and funny, and weird, but like, in the perfect kind of way. I could talk for hours about how perfect you are. You’re beautiful. You’re perfect. Trust me, Kat. I wouldn’t lie to you. I’m a terrible liar, anyways. That’s how you know I’m telling the truth.” Trixie continued, laughing slightly, trying to lighten the mood. Clearly, it didn’t work, as Katya suddenly stood up, moving to the opposite side of the room, arms crossed over her chest, defensively. Trixie stayed where she was, watching sadly.  
“I don’t know why you think that, Trixie. I don’t know what you possibly fucking see in me. I don’t get why you want me. At all.” Katya continued, and from her tone, Trixie could tell she truly meant what she was saying.  
“Katya…”  
“No. No, I’m not looking for pity. I don’t want to argue about this, because I just want you to get it. You don’t know me, Trix. Not the me before I met you. I was so fucking different. I’m not the kind of person that girls like you want. That girls like you should even know.”  
“But you were still you. The same perfect, beautiful, Katya, that I’m falling for. That was still you. It still is.” Trixie replied, but Katya was quick to fight back, again. Her voice was sad. Empty. Dejected.  
“You don’t even know, Trixie. The shit I’ve done, I just… I’m so fucking disgusting, Trix. I’m broken and used-up and gross and you just shouldn’t want someone like me, okay? You deserve a whole lot better than me.”  
“No, no… Shh.. That’s not true. You’re not disgusting. You’re not broken. You’re not. Okay? You’re perfect. And I still want you, no matter what you’ve done. It’s the past. It’s over. I still want you. You, Kat. Past and baggage and everything. You’re perfect, no matter what, okay?” Trixie said, her own voice shaky now. She looked up, noticing the tears streaking down Katya’s face and quickly stood up, making her way over to her.  
“No, Trixie. No. Everyone just uses me up and throws me away and I get it. I get why. I’m easy for something like that. Easy to not care about. I wish you saw that. I wish you felt like that.”  
“Well, I don’t. I see you, Kat. The real you. And this isn’t gonna scare me away. I’m not gonna believe any of that self-destructive shit you do. I know it’s not your fault. None of this is. You gotta know that, okay? Nothing you did is your fault. Nothing you did makes you a bad person. You were a scared kid, Kat. Scared and alone and desperate, and that doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you someone who’s strong as hell. You’re not broken. You’re strong. For surviving it. For doing what you did and making it here. You’ve survived so much. And you’re not broken, or used up, or gross, or any of that shit. You’re beautiful. Perfect. I’ll say it a thousand times if I have to. For the rest of your life. As long as it takes for you to believe it.” Trixie insisted, taking Katya’s hands in her own, squeezing tightly. She wished there was a way to make her understand. To make her see herself the way Trixie did. Trixie didn’t care who she’d been, or what she’d done. All she cared about was her. Her, and right now.  
“Trixie, I… You don’t get it. I pay for all my school shit, food, hell, even the club last night with money I got from sleeping with people. Men. Doing what they wanted, whatever, for ten fucking dollars, hell sometimes even less. Just for money. For a bed for the night. Some fucking human contact. Nobody gives a shit about me, Trix. I don’t get why you seem to. Me before you met me wasn’t someone you’d ever want. I was so desperate and gross and pathetic. You don’t get it. If you did, you wouldn’t be here.” Katya fought back, squeezing her eyes shut tightly, a pained expression on her face. It made Trixie feel like her heart was physically breaking.  
“I know I don’t get it. I won’t, ever. But I’ll try. And I’ll care about you, no matter what. Even if I did get it. I still would. Stop trying to scare me away, Kat. You deserve to be happy, alright? I promise. You’re more than what you did. You’re so much more than that. You’re so fucking strong, Kat. And that’s what I think I like so much about you. I’m falling for you, Kat. And nothing is gonna scare me away from that. Okay? So, you might as well give up. I’m still here. And I’m not going anywhere. I’m not running away. We’re both scared, right?” Trixie asked, and waited for Katya to nod, before continuing.  
“So we can be scared together. We can figure out all our baggage and all our being scared and all that, together. Because there’s no one I’d rather do it with. I don’t care who the Katya before I met you was. Because I’m falling for her, too. And I think she’s fucking incredible. Okay? Look at me.” Katya slowly looked up, and the two girls locked eyes, both crying.  
“Okay? I’m falling for you. Past and baggage and all. And nothing you say is gonna stop that. Okay?” Trixie said softly, a gentle smile on her face as her fingers traced softly up and down Katya’s arms, trying to comfort her. And when Katya finally nodded, still looking a little unsure, Trixie decided it was good enough. For now, at least.  
Trixie pressed her lips softly to Katya’s, both hands finding their place cupping Katya’s face, as Katya’s landed gently on her hips.  
This was different from last night. Last night’s kisses had been hungry and rough, frantic and needy. Now, they were slow and gentle. These felt more real. These meant something.  
These weren’t drunk, sweaty, I-need-you-right-now kisses. These were soft, real, i-think-i-might-love-you kisses.  
Trixie finally pulled away slowly, her thumbs brushing gently over Katya’s cheeks, wiping away the last few tears.  
“You’re perfect. Hear me? I think you’re perfect. I know you are.” Trixie said, her voice soft but strong. Katya nodded, and Trixie felt her lips break into a huge smile.  
“There we go! That’s more like it, Kat.” Trixie replied, as Katya rolled her eyes.  
Trixie knew the conversation wasn’t over, for good. She knew this was just a band-aid solution to a problem much bigger than anything a band-aid could fix. But, for now, this was good enough.  
Trixie didn’t leave for another four hours. That time was spent in almost complete silence, the two girls just enjoying the one another’s company. And kissing. Trixie’s favorite part was definitely the kissing.  
It was 2 am before Trixie finally checked the clock, Katya’s head in her lap, Trixie’s hands lazily playing through her hair, doing and undoing braids.  
“Oh my God, it’s 2 am. Shit. When the hell did that happen? I have an 8:30. God, I’m gonna die tomorrow.” Trixie grumbled, as Katya groaned, evidently jostled from her almost-sleep.  
“Drag me straight along to Hell with you, Blondie.” Katya muttered, sitting up slowly, turning to face Trixie.  
“Hey, you know you’re blonde too, jerk.” Trixie fired back, smirking slightly as Katya rolled her eyes.  
“Yeah, but you’re like… Blonde, blonde. Y’know?”  
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Trixie replied, crossing her arms, faking defensiveness.  
“Like… Cute. Bubbly. Bright. Y’know… Blonde.” Katya explained, as if the answer should be obvious.  
“Yeah, okay, sure. I’ll just act like I have some clue what you’re saying.” Trixie laughed, shaking her head.  
“Okay, I should probably go crash. Even though I’d rather stay here for the next 24 hours. Definitely more fun than that horrible theory lecture. But, we’re still good for later today, right? 2:30?” Trixie finally admitted, although going back to her lonely dorm room was just about the last thing she wanted to do right now. But still, she’d spent last night in Katya’s room, and she wasn’t about to get that clingy that fast. At least they had their plans for later that day. The thought of that would be enough to get her through all of the horrible lectures the day had in store.  
“I’ll be there. It’s a date.” Katya replied, and Trixie couldn’t help but smile, as she stood up, quickly pressing a kiss to Katya’s cheek.  
“Now go sleep. I refuse to be seen with a zombie tomorrow. Don’t want to ruin my perfect, squeaky-clean reputation.” Katya added, and Trixie laughed in response, rolling her eyes.  
“Oh my god. Okay. I’ll see you later. Get some sleep, okay?”  
“Okay. See you later, Trix.”  
“Bye, Kat.”  
Trixie stepped out into the hall, and as soon as the door was shut, she leaned against the wall, trying to wipe the blush and stupidly-huge smile from her face.  
This was so much more than perfect already.  
This was everything she’d ever dreamed of.  
Katya was everything she’d ever dreamed of.  
She still couldn’t believe it.  
She was so lucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the hiatus (AGAIN UGH)!!! finals kicked my ass but i'm finally done!! and will hopefully have more time to write over the break!!!  
> anyways, hope you guys enjoy!  
> (p.s. title from "make you feel my love" by adele)  
> (also, thank you guys so much for all of the comments & kudos, especially when you guys tell me that you can connect to the story somehow. it means so much to me. <3 <3 <3 )


End file.
